


The Party

by tioupfic



Series: you deserve each other [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape Recovery, Self Harm, i'f you're garbage adn u know it clap ur hands clap clap, i'm garbage, like nothing graphic but it's there, redemption arc, the warning is real tho be warned, there was a crazy ass party and now there is a tjeffs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 09:06:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 28,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6368554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tioupfic/pseuds/tioupfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>college au - there's a debate party that gets out of hand and alex is left with a difficult decision: does he leave his enemy in a dangerous situation or does he does he lend a hand?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i normally never EVER EVEr post in progress work but i'm drunk so i hope you enjoy? sober me would wait until it's done. but sober me isn't in control rn. it took me 10 minutes to spell decision in the summary hi i have2 degrees.

Lafayette and Hercules look up curiously as the door to their apartment is pushed open. Laurens, the third tenant, is curled up in the corner of the couch asleep, and the fourth and final member of their quartet has just slumped through the door dragging an unconscious body behind him. 

“Fuck,” Alex breathed as he deposited the body in the middle of the floor. He straightened up and glanced around. Lafayette was staring with a degree of concern, while Hercules was smirking at him. 

“I never knew debate team parties got so wild,” said the fashion design major. 

“Alex, mon chou, why ‘as that man no shirt?” 

Before Alex could answer, John began to wake up. 

“Did Alex make it home?” he asked groggily. 

“He made it home and he brought a friend, it seems.”

“What?” John’s brows furrowed together in sleepy confusion. 

“He’s not a friend,” Alex finally clarified. “Look, the party got a little --“

“Is that Jefferson?” John asked, staring at the body incredulously. 

“Yes.”

“Whahahaaat?” Hercules responded, half laughing and half disbelieving. 

“The party --“

“He is not ok,” Lafayette stood up and approached the body in the middle of their living room floor. 

“No, he’s not,” Alex agreed. “Things got really wild. There was a power outage. Things got more wild. I think someone spiked the punch with something. Maria tried to make out with me. It was… it was fucking crazy. She was really fucked up and I didn’t want her to get hurt, so the plan was to lock her in one of the bedrooms and use her phone and have one of her friends pick her up.” 

Lafayette flipped Jefferson over to his side and glanced at his friend, taking note of the cut above his eyebrow and the bruise forming on his jawline. 

“Debate kids, who the fuck wouldda thought,” Hercules mused aloud. 

“So when I dragged her up to the bedroom, I was just going to drop her off, take her phone, and leave the room. But it, uh, wasn’t empty.”

“Alex, you do not mean…” Lafayette began but trailed off. The atmosphere in the room suddenly became very heavy and solemn. 

“It, um, it was the other team’s captain, I don’t remember his name.”

“Holy fucking shit, Alex,” Hercules stood up.

“You didn’t get hurt, did you?” John asked, also standing and approaching Alex. “Tell me you didn’t get hurt,” he placed his hands on Alex’s face. 

“I’m okay,” Alex confirmed, smiling slightly at the show of affection. 

“Man, that couldda been you,” Hercules said sternly, glancing down and then looking at Alex. 

“I know,” came the whispered response. 

“So, what, you carried him all the way here?” Lafayette asked.

“I, um, may have locked myself in the bathroom for a while and hid from the guy. When I came out, things seemed not as crazy, so I was going to leave while I could, but… “ he paused for a moment and found he needed to sit down. John guided him to the couch and wrapped his arms around Alex’s shoulders. “I mean, I hate him. He’s, like, human trash. But I was friends with James once, before they met. And James is like, disgustingly in love with this asshole, but he’s out of town, and it just felt wrong to leave him there. I don’t even know.”

“You are a good person, Alex,” Lafayette said. 

“What do we do with him?” Alex looked up at the French student, hoping he would have the answers. Lafayette was always decisive. 

“We wait for him to wake up, see if he will go to the ‘ospital. We try to contact James, find out when he is to return. Maybe we deliver him then to his roommate.”

The foursome agreed that this was a good plan and Lafayette, Hercules, and John turned their attention to caring for Alex, who was apparently just now processing everything that had happened. 

After some time, Alex had calmed down significantly. He was resting his head on John’s lap while Lafayette ran fingers through his silky hair. Hercules was on the other side, lightly massaging Alex’s feet and calves. 

They suddenly heard a groan come from the living room floor and they knew it would be a while before they could return to such a peaceful state. 

“Motherfucker,” Thomas drawled as he came to his senses. He rubbed his hands over his face and cringed at the pain it caused him. Gingerly, he touched the cut above his eye and examined the blood on his fingers. As he looked up, he saw four faces watching him from the couch. “Whaaaaat?” 

“Thomas,” Lafayette began, standing up. “You are safe. How do you feel?”

“Like I got hit by a truck. Where am I?”

“You are chez nous. What is the last thing you remember?”

“Um.. The party?”

“Okay, good. What do you remember about the party?”

Thomas furrowed his brow at Lafayette, staring at him like he was stupid. “It was loud,” he provided. “It’s a bit of a blur. I think the power went off at one point.”

“Yeah, it did,” Alex chimed in. 

“What are you doing here?” Thomas said, aiming for disgust but falling flat of it.

“I live here.”

“Oh. Right.”

“Do you remember what happened after the power went off?” Alex prompted. 

“What is this? The Spanish Inquisition?”

“Thomas,” Lafayette began in a gentle voice, “you are hurt. We just want to know if we need to take you immediately to the ‘ospital.” 

“I’m just a little hungover, it’s fine.”

“You’ve got glass in your hair,” John pointed out. He had gotten up at some point during the conversation and was now removing a large shard of glass from Thomas’s curls. 

“Look. Thank you, Lafayette, for your concern, but I am fine. I’m just going to go back to my apartment, now, if you don’t mind.”

Thomas stood up and tried not to let on how much the room was spinning. He turned to face towards the door, but then Hamilton was in front of him blocking the way.

“You really don’t remember?” the small man prompted. 

“Remember what?” Thomas asked, again trying to keep his voice as flat and uninterested as possible. The four others exchanged looks and although Thomas didn’t like three-fourths of them, he knew that they were concerned. “Lafayette?” he asked, unable to keep the rising panic from coming out in his voice. 

“Mon ami, I think you should have a seat.”

Uncharacteristically, Thomas obeyed and sat on the couch. 

“What?” he asked nervously, feeling that the four knew something that he didn’t want to know. 

“Thomas,” Alex began seriously. “You were raped at the party.”

Thomas blinked. “Say what.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~i did not edit this parce je suis ivre! pardon! je suis desolée!~
> 
> ok for serious: the gang takes tom to the hospital and then they go home. i should add hurt/comfort to my tags. that's what this is gonna end up being. also a wild james appears. >fight >run >hug ur sad bf.

“Things got really out of hand, for everybody.”

“The fuck do you know about what I was doing?” Thomas retaliated. 

“The fuck do you know about what you were doing?” Alex shot back, raising his voice. “Do you even remember how you got here?”

“No,” Thomas responded, trying to hold on to whatever bit of pride he had. 

“You see? I’m the one who put clothes on your back; I’m the one who dragged you off of the bed; I’m the one who fucking carried your ungrateful ass back to my apartment so my boyfriends could help me figure out what to do with you. I could have left you there. The party was still going on when we left. But I didn’t. So you don’t get to sass me right now. Because god knows you wouldn’t have done the same for me.” 

Everyone was silent, unsure how to respond. 

“I remember bits and pieces,” Thomas finally admitted softly, keeping his eyes downward. “You talked to me the whole time.”

“Yeah,” Alex responded softly, frustration gone. 

“Mon ami,” Lafayette began, “we should get yourself to the ‘ospital.”

“I want James.”

“We’ll call him,” Hercules promised. “On the way to the hospital. Come on, man, you’re really beat up. I’m pretty sure you need stitches.”

They managed to get to the hospital without much fuss. Lafayette drove while Herc rode shotgun and tried to reach James. Thomas stared silently out the window while Alex and John sat in silence. They hadn’t discussed whether all four of them were necessary, but ultimately they all functioned as a group. Herc was the best at getting information and taking care of adult things, while Laf excelled in charming strangers into favors. Alex had to come because he was the one who had found Thomas, and Laurens honestly was the only one who could really keep Alex in line. 

The four of them sat in the waiting room while Thomas got stitches. Once that was over, he had to be examined. 

A nurse approached the group and asked for Alexander. Alex stood and followed her to a room. 

“We tried to examine your friend, but he started panicking and we can’t get him to calm down,” she explained. “We asked if he had anyone who could be here with him and he asked for Alexander. We prefer not to sedate him, especially since we aren’t sure whether he has had any drugs in the last few hours.”

When she opened the door, Alex saw that Thomas was in the corner of the room, threateningly pointing an IV towards the nurse who was there with him. 

This was going to be a long night. 

“Thomas,” Alex began. “Thomas, it’s okay. She’s not going to hurt you.”

“Oh yes she is.”

“No, she’s not.” Alex approached him and gently coaxed him to put down the IV. “Look, I know it’s hard, but she has to take a look at you. James will be really worried when he gets here if he finds out you didn’t get looked at.”

“James is coming?” Thomas’s eyes lit up and Alex knew this was the angle he had to take.

“Yeah, buddy. Herc just got off the phone with him like half an hour ago. He’s on his way.”

“What did he tell him?”

“Who, Herc? He said that something happened at the debate party, we took you to the hospital, you’re mostly okay and probably need a few stitches, but that you could really use his support.”

“He didn’t tell him anything else?”

“No. That’s for you to tell him.”

“Okay. I’ll do it. But.” Thomas glanced around nervously before speaking his mind. “Will you stay here and talk to me?”

“Sure.” 

Alex pulled up a chair and settled near Thomas’s head while the nurse began the examination. As annoying as Hamilton could be on a normal day, he was certainly a good distraction. The examination seemed to drag on forever, but whenever Alex sensed that Thomas was beginning to panic, he reminded him that James would be there in a few hours, that he ‘d be so proud of Thomas for being brave. This seemed to help immensely. 

Finally, it was over. The nurse left them alone in the room so that Thomas could compose himself before leaving. Alex reminded him that James would be proud of him and that he did well. 

When they met up with the others, Herc mentioned that it would be best for them to all stay together for tonight. By this time, Alex and Thomas were exhausted and neither put up much of a fight.

Lafayette drove the five of them back to the apartment and they figured out sleeping arrangements. It was a two-room apartment, initially leased before the four of them began sleeping together. Somehow, it was agreed that Alex would sleep with Thomas that night, so that the latter wouldn’t be alone. Alex wasn’t especially thrilled, but he was pretty sure his boyfriends would appreciate how selfless and caring he was being. And, truth be told, he did kind of feel bad. Thomas was garbage, but even he didn’t really deserve this. And who knows, maybe he’d treat people better after experiencing such cruelty? 

When they got back and retired to their rooms, it turned out that Thomas wasn’t actually able to sleep at all. Memories from the party had began to fall back into place, and his mind was able to form a more solid picture of what had actually happened. He spent most of the night crying and trying to hurt himself, while Alex tried to comfort him or stop him from doing anything destructive, assuring him that James would be there in the morning. This was the only thing that kept the taller boy from doing anything he might regret. James was on his way, driving towards New York right now. 

Thomas finally fell asleep around 8 am, and Alex, who was used to pulling all-nighters, went into the kitchen to scrounge for food. John was up shortly after, and together they made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. Hercules was the next to rise, about an hour later, and Lafayette joined them all a half an hour after that, complaining about how cold the bed was. 

“You look like you have not slept at all, mon cher,” Lafayette commented, stretching his long arms and cracking his joints. 

“I didn’t,” Alex replied. “He only fell asleep at like 8.”

“Jesus, what were the two of you doing all night?” Hercules asked lightly. 

“Mostly, he was crying and I was trying to make sure he didn’t hurt himself.”

“It’s different when you’re on the other side of it, isn’t it?” John commented. 

“Yeah.” Alex said, looking down in embarrassment. He knew that he worried the three of them sometimes, especially when his depression got the better of him and made him feel utterly worthless. Of course, no one blamed him. Still, the whole ordeal made him appreciate how supportive they all were. He made a mental note to thank them somehow.

The rest of the morning passed in relative normality until a knock at the door startled them around noon. They knew who would be on the other side. Hercules got the door, and there was James. 

“Is he ok?” James asked immediately as a way of greeting.

“Yeah, he’s asleep.”

“He fell asleep at 8 this morning,” Alex commented. “He’s in that room,” he pointed towards the door to the second bedroom. 

“Thank you for calling me,” James addressed Hercules. “Do you mind if I see him?”

“Of course, that’s why we called you.”

James slowly opened the door to the bedroom and looked over his sleeping boyfriend. He could see the fresh stitches above his eye, as well as the bruise on his jaw. ‘Who did you piss off,’ he wondered to himself as he sat on the edge of the bed. He brushed some of Thomas’s curls out of his face and gently kissed his forehead. Thomas stirred lightly.

“Thomas?”

“Mmm.”

“Thomas? Are you awake? It’s me, James.”

“Hmm?” Thomas slowly opened his eyes. “James?”

“Yeah. It’s me.”

Thomas sat up slowly and looked into his boyfriend’s dark eyes. “You came.”

“I did. I was worried about you. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” Thomas answered honestly. “What did they tell you?” He already knew the answer, but he wanted confirmation. 

“Hercules told me that you got into some kind of fight at the debate party. He called me from the hospital while you were getting stitches. It was like 2 in the morning. When did you get home?”

“We got home at like 5, I think.”

“Damn. Did they have to observe you or something?”

“Not exactly…” Thomas trailed off. He knew he had to tell James, but it was still embarrassing. Of course, if he could admit it to Hamilton and all his boyfriends, he could tell James. 

“What do you mean, baby?”

“Well, Hamilton claims that the punch at the party was spiked with something. I don’t know. I was like, semi-conscious. I remember little fragments, but nothing in full. But, I know that… something bad happened.”

“You got in a fight?”

“Not really. I was really drunk. I couldn’t have fought even if I wanted to. Hamilton had to carry me back here. I really owe him….”

“Baby, I’m worried. What happened?”

“I… um… Iwasraped…” Thomas said while not making eye contact. 

“Oh my god,” James whispered, reaching over but hesitating. “Can I hold you?”

“I’d appreciate that.”

James embraced his boyfriend tightly and didn’t let go. Of course he knew that his boyfriend could be an ass and wasn’t necessarily well-liked by a lot of people, but he also knew that he didn’t truly deserve this. James held him close while he clung on for dear life, and if he cried as well, James didn’t rub it in. 

After a while, Thomas regained his composure and they went to the living room in search of breakfast. They were, expectedly, greeted with four concerned faces. 

“Thomas,” Lafayette was the first to speak. “How are you feeling?’’

“Not great, but I’ll be okay.”

“There are still a few pancakes from this morning,” the Frenchman offered. 

“Thanks, Laf.”

“Anytime.”

James and Thomas settled down in the living room with the other four and ate a late breakfast together. Everyone was more or less silent, unsure what to do or discuss. As the couple finished their late breakfast, it became obvious that no one was sure how to proceed with the situation. It felt like they had suddenly been launched into an increased intimacy from which they could never return. Finally, John spoke up.

“We were planning on having a Star Wars marathon tonight, with the Schuyler sisters,” he said quietly. “You two should come. It’ll be a good distraction, if nothing else?”

James glanced over at Thomas, trying to read his response. 

“Angelica is pissed at me,” Thomas finally said quietly. 

“Water under the bridge,” Hercules responded. 

“Please come,’ Lafayette requested, “they will be happy to see you.”

“You’re not going to tell them, are you?” James questioned. 

“Of course not!” Lafayette responded. “Though the stitches are a bit, how you say, noticeable.”

“Anyway, no pressure,” John stressed. 

“Sounds good,” Thomas agreed. 

“Are you sure?” James asked, looking concerned. 

“Yeah, I just want to feel normal for a little while.”

“Okay then, we’ll see you there,” James confirmed. 

“Just don’t tell anyone,” Thomas reiterated.

“Scout’s honor,” Hercules promised, raising two fingers and placing his hand on his heart. Alex and John followed suit while Lafayette looked on, confused. 

“What is -“ he mimicked their posture with a melodramatic flair. 

“It’s a promise, mon cher,” Hercules responded, emphasizing the French endearment with heavy sarcasm. 

“Ah, d’accord,” Lafayette imitated the gesture with a bit more sincerity this time. “Scout’s honor,” he said in a heavily accented voice. Everyone had a laugh at the imitation. James and Thomas went home, and the four who remained were left to process the unexpected turn the night had taken.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks everyone for responding! i have no idea where this is going to go, but i promise it will end happily! there's too much sadness in real life for me to make sad fiction, too.

“Hey, Angie.”

“Alex? What’s going on? Why did you call?” Angelica responded in a worried tone. 

“Ok, so, here’s the thing. We invited a couple guys over for movie night tonight and I just wanted to make sure it was okay with you,” Alex responded. 

“That’s it? Um. Yeah. I don’t know why you couldn’t just text? Not that I mind, of course.”

“It’s, uh, Jefferson and Madison.” Alex paused to wait for a response. “Angelica?”

“What. The. FUCK. What the fuck, Alex? Are you serious? You know I hate those guys. YOU hate those guys. What the hell possessed you to invite them?”

“I know it’s the last thing you would expect but listen. The debate party got really out of hand last night and Jefferson is a mess and Madison drove like 10 hours in the middle of the night to come back. We got dragged into the mess somehow and I don’t know. They seemed like they could use some good company?”

“Alexander, I absolutely can’t stand Thomas Jefferson. You know this.”

“I know, Angelica. I can’t stand him either. But believe me, he’s a disaster right now. You’d hardly even recognize him.” 

“Why are you suddenly being so nice to him? I hardly recognize you.”

“I don’t know. John invited them. He felt bad.”

“Ahh, why didn’t you say so in the first place? Okay, then. For Laruens’s sake, I’ll try my best to get along with the asshole.”

“Thank you.”

“You owe me.”

“Yeah. I owe you for a lot of things.”

“You can pick me up a nice bottle of wine for tonight.”

“Gotcha. See you tonight.”

“Later, loser.”

The past 48 hours had been beyond draining, so Alex tactfully outsourced wine duty to Lafayette, who was more than happy to spend someone else’s money on booze. Once the Frenchman was sent along on his mission, John grabbed Alex gently by the arm and led him into the bathroom, where he had drawn a hot bath. 

“You need to decompress,” he said. “And you tend to forget self-care, so I’m going to make sure you relax. Get in.” John tried to usher Alex to get undressed and get in the bath.

“Will you join me?” he asked, somewhat insecure.

“Would you like me to?”

“Yes.”

“Then yes. Here, look. I used one of Laf’s bath bombs,” John pushed the curtain back to reveal bright blue water and a warm scent. 

“What did I do to deserve you, Laurens?” 

“Oh, come on, you,” John playfully pushed Alex away and began to undress. 

They were silent as they settled in, allowing the fragrance and warmth to soothe over the rough edges of the past day. Suddenly, Alex began giggling softly to himself. 

“Hm?” John questioned him, poking him lightly in the side. 

“Herc is gonna be really pissed when he sees all the seaweed in the bath tub.” 

“Oh my god,” John agreed, laughing. “Remember when Laf used the glitter one? Everything was covered in glitter for like a month. What did Herc call it?”

“Glerpies. Glitter herpes.”

“Yes! That was the first time he said I love you to any of us.” 

“It was, wasn’t it? Yeah, he said, ‘Laf, you’re lucky I love you, ‘cause I needed glerpies like I needed a fuckin bag on my hip.’” 

They both laughed at the memory before falling into a comfortable silence. John couldn’t help but stare at Alex in amazement. Here was the most passionate person John knew, the person who never backed down from what he believed was right, actually putting aside his opinion and offering help to a person he hated. And Alex hadn’t batted an eyelid when John invited the two over. Hercules had responded the same way, although he really had never had to deal with Thomas directly. And Lafayette, though he was actually friends with Thomas, had been completely gracious and supportive. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Alex interrupted, making small waves in an effort to get John’s attention. 

“Just wondering what I did to deserve you,” he replied with a slight smile. “I think anyone else would have just left their sworn enemy there. I mean, if I saw Charles Lee in that position, I don’t think I would have dragged him home and invited him over.”

“Charles Lee is too fat to drag all that way.”

John snorted. “True, but you get my meaning.”

“I don’t know why I did it. I just… felt like I needed to.”

“I’m glad you did. Maybe he can change.”

“Here’s hoping.”

They got out before the water cooled down too much, and after drying off and getting dressed they met up with the other two in the kitchen. Hercules and Lafayette were also discussing the situation, though they dropped it as soon as Alex and John entered. 

“Alex, mon petit chou,” Lafayette began in an upbeat tone. “I have spent all your money on booze. I got a nice wine for Angelica, and then I also bought a bottle of cognac. I hope you do not mind.”

“It’s okay, Laf. We used one of your bath bombs.” 

“Uuugh,” Hercules complained. “Not the glitter one again.”

“Nope, seaweed,” John corrected him. 

“Why do you have to buy that girly shit anyway?” Hercules directed his question at Lafayette. 

“It is not girly! The soap ‘as no gender!” 

“Fine,” Hercules conceded. “You’re too adorable to stay mad at, anyway.”

They spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing and doing minimal tidying until the Schuyler sisters arrived. The group chatted amicably while waiting for the last two guests to arrive. 

“You still look like a chipmunk to me, Peggy,” Angelica teased her younger sister. 

“I had to get my wisdom teeth taken out,” Peggy responded. “They could have gotten infected and I’d get sepsis and then I’d die! Then what would you do?”

“Eh,” Angelica shrugged, earning herself a weak punch to the arm from a drugged sister. 

“Don’t worry, Peggy,” Eliza said, putting her arm around the youngest. “I’ll mourn you.”

“That’s it?” Hercules interrupted in feigned offense. “Peggy, sweetheart, I wouldn’t just mourn you. I’ll AVENGE you.” 

“How are you gonna avenge wisdom teeth, you idiot?” John replied while laughing heartily. 

“Oh. I’m gonna fucking avenge wisdom teeth, just you wait. I’ll kill every goddamn wisdom tooth on the planet just to avenge our poor, sweet Margarita.” 

“This is the dumbest conversation I have ever heard.”

“You think this is a joke, boy? Didn’t you hear her? She could have gotten SEPSIS and DIED. You think that’s funny?”

“It’s pretty funny,” Alex interjected. 

“Well at least I know who my real friends are,” Peggy responded, laying a hand on Hercules’s bicep. “Thank you for avenging my untimely death, Hercules.”

“Hey, you would have done the same for me, wouldn’t you?”

“In a heartbeat.” 

“Why do you call it wisdom teeth?” Lafayette wondered aloud. “I mean, we also call it la dent de sangesse, mais pourquoi?”

At that moment, there was a knock on the door. Everyone became silent and looked around at each other. It was almost as if they were surprised that their guests had actually shown up. John opened the door and invited the two inside. 

Angelica had prepared herself to at least try to tolerate Thomas’s presence, and she was ready. She had psyched herself up for dealing with his hypocritical words and his specific brand of smugness. She didn’t really know James that well, but he seemed quiet and shy, so she wasn’t too worried about him. But what she didn’t expect was that he would be the one doing most of the talking while he lead a practically catatonic Thomas around with a gentle hand on the small of his back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out longer than I anticipated because I really didn't want to end on an angsty note. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for this chapter:  
> \- allusions to non-con (nothing graphic, just fragments)  
> \- self harm  
> \- suicidal ideation
> 
> End notes as well. Thanks for reading and responding!

Thomas had a roommate, but James lived alone, so when they left Alex and company that afternoon they naturally went to James’s place. It was a ten-minute walk, and the weather was dreary. 

“Were your parents mad?” Thomas asked softly.

“I left them a note,” James replied. “I left at 2am so I didn’t wake them up. I just said there was an emergency at my apartment and I needed to be there. I’ll probably tell them that the guy upstairs left the water on or something.”

“You’re clever,” Thomas said, trying but failing to find the energy to smile.

“I learned that from you.” James made a worried mental note that Thomas didn’t make any response to the obvious flattery. 

“How were they this time?”

“Oh, you know. Same as always. Conservative. Over-protective.”

They arrived at the building and made their way up to James’s apartment. 

“You know, I would consider this an emergency,” Thomas teased while looking around. He could sense James’s concern and wanted to lighten the mood. “An emergency of interior decoration.”

“Hey,” James retorted playfully. “I’ll let that slide one time.”

“You must be tired.”

“Nah, I’m not too bad,” James replied mildly. 

“Well, I’m fucking exhausted.”

James smiled and led Thomas to the bedroom. He opened Thomas’s drawer and handed him the softest clothes he could find. James began to change as well, when he glanced over and saw Thomas looking thoughtfully at the clothes in his hands.

“Aaactually,” Thomas drawled. “I’m going to take a shower first.”

“No problem, babe. I’ll be here.”

Thomas entered the bathroom and set down the clean clothes on the sink. He looked at his reflection in the mirror. His hair seemed flattened, probably a combination of sweat and sleep and exhaustion. He hadn’t actually looked in a mirror yet, he realized. His jaw was bruised and a little swollen, and the gash above his eye did look like it had been pretty nasty. He wondered vaguely how he had gotten it. Then he wondered about how much he really remembered. 

He remembered doing shots with everyone downstairs. He remembered the power went out as he was trying to make his way upstairs to the bathroom. The carpet beneath his hand was coarse. The party was loud. There was a hand on his elbow helping him up. He looked out the window; it was raining. He remembered watching as someone removed one of his socks. He had tried to focus his energy and get off the bed. Maybe he had fallen off? The next thing he remembered was searing pain throughout his entire body. Then the power went off again, or maybe he had just blacked out. 

He vaguely remembered a softer voice coaxing him to cooperate. Hands lifting his hips gently off the bed. He tried to follow the sound of that voice, even though he couldn’t make out what it was saying. He remembered trying to apologize. He had no idea if the words actually left his mouth or not. Someone was carrying him; his feet were dragging against the cement sidewalk. 

“We’re almost there, Thomas,” the voice said. “You know, if you weren’t such an ass all the time maybe people wouldn’t want to hurt you.”

He remembered that. He remembered falling to the floor and tuning out the new surroundings. And, of course, he remembered waking up. 

He felt disgusting, looking at his reflection. Part of him wanted to believe that Hamilton had just made that up to try and teach him a lesson. But the vague snapshots of memory felt real. It, unfortunately, wasn’t a nightmare. 

He undressed and got into the shower. The cold water didn’t feel refreshing or cleansing; it was just numbing. He wanted to scrub away any memory or knowledge of what had happened, but the soap and water couldn’t wash it away. He started to wonder if he really did deserve this. 

He slid down and sat on the floor of the shower, the water still falling. He thought about Angelica. He had been so patronizing towards her when she called him out for what he had said in class that day. He had told her that rape culture was a work of fiction created by women who just wanted attention and who had probably enjoyed it anyway. Now, when this memory came to him, he wanted to go back in time and just stab his past-self right then and there. What the fuck had been wrong with him?

Maybe he had deserved what happened to him. Maybe this was the universe’s way of balancing out his bigotry with cruel irony. He had never felt like this before, but suddenly he wanted to disappear, to cease existing. 

There was a way to do that, of course. There was a way to erase himself from existence. He had always believed that he was the salt of the earth, doing the topmost important work for humanity. How could one half-remembered party reduce him to this? 

But there it was again. ‘Maybe I actually deserve this.’ 

‘Maybe I’m not a gift from the heavens above.’

‘Maybe I’m a curse.’

Water still running, he reached out of the shower and dug around the cabinet under the sink until he found where James kept his razor blades. ‘This is ridiculous and melodramatic,’ part of his brain told him. He hardly heard it over the part that was screaming about how disgusting he is. 

The act itself was surprisingly easy and comforting. He started off experimentally, treading lightly until he realized that he was beginning to feel better. 

Until James knocked on the door. 

“Thomas, are you okay? I’m coming in.” 

And with that, everything was exposed. Thomas felt himself detach from the reality of the situation as James turned off the water. He stared blankly as his boyfriend examined, cleaned, and dressed his injuries. He wasn’t able to tune back into reality until James had him in a bear hug, large hands combing through the ends of his wet hair. 

“Why do you like me?” he asked in a quiet voice. James let go and examined his expression, searching for context to the sudden inquiry. “I mean, I’m not a very good person, it turns out. Why do you spend time with me?”

“Oh, Thomas,” James whispered, sitting them both down on the bed. “I like who you are as a person. I don’t necessarily agree with everything you believe, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like you. You’re passionate. You’re articulate, intelligent. And yes, you’re flawed, sometimes you’re an ass, but that’s because you’re human. We all have shortcomings. And it doesn’t make it right for us to treat others poorly. But we can always learn from our mistakes and correct them.”

“I should apologize to Angelica.”

“Yes, you should. But it doesn’t have to be tonight if it would be too much.”

“Actually I think it would be good. What did Laurens say? It’s a good distraction.”

“Okay, but if you need to leave, just let me know, no questions asked.”

It was, of course, weird to show up at that apartment with intentions of spending time with a group of people who mostly hated them. ‘To be fair,’ Thomas thought, ‘they mostly only hate me. (And with good reason.)’

When the door opened, the group inside had become silent. James lead Thomas inside, keeping a guiding hand on the small of his back. 

“Hey, everyone,” James broke the silence. “Thanks again for inviting us,” he said, directed at the guys. “And for allowing them to invite us,” he added, looking at the sisters. 

Thomas had expected Angelica to be pissed when she saw him, but when he glanced over at her, he saw confusion and something unreadable on her face. He could feel the beginnings of a headache just thinking about how to approach her, when James’s hand moved subtly, catching his attention. He glanced at the shorter man, who nodded, and then made his way over to the sisters. 

“Angelica,” he began before being cut off by the eldest sister. 

“Look, Thomas,” Angelica began. “I’m going to try to tolerate you being here. I’m going to do my best to be civil towards you. But unless you’re here to apologize, I think it’s best if we don’t have any real conversations tonight.”

He took a deep breath and looked back over at James for reassurance. 

“Actually, I did come here to apologize. Can we speak in private?”

“Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of my sisters and brothers.”

“Um… okay… So. I was... It came to my attention that… Um… In light of recent events, I have realized that what I said to you was hurtful and bigoted. And I’m sorry I was such an ass about it. I didn’t realize that I was talking about real people who have survived trauma. I’m sorry I offended you and that I used my speech to spread hate and judgment. And I’m sorry that I never even realized how wrong I was until it became about me.”

Everyone in the room was shocked into silence. It took a minute before Angelica responded. 

“What do you mean it became about you?”

“I mean until --“

“Holy fuck, Alex, NO,” Angelica interrupted, cutting Thomas off mercifully before he had to say the word. 

Alex looked at Thomas and then nodded at Angelica. She turned back to Thomas and approached him slowly, putting her hands on his shoulders. 

“I accept your sincere apology on the condition that you try - just try - to make an effort to be open-minded towards other people’s experiences. Can you do that?”

“Yes,” Thomas whispered. 

“Good. I forgive you. And also,” she pulled out her phone. “Give me your number. You are not going through this alone.”

As they were exchanging numbers, there was another knock on the door. The arrival of their pizza broke the solemn mood. 

“Can we start the movie now?” Peggy asked. 

As Alex pulled out the DVDs, Hercules made an announcement. 

“Okay, everyone. Drinking game rules! Only if you want to participate, of course. You are to drink when 1) Luke whines about something,”

“But Herc, we will all die of alcohol poisoning!” Lafayette protested in what sounded suspiciously like a whine. 

“Shut it, French fry, it’s a game and it will be fun. And there’s still 4 more rules.”

“Aw, Uncle Oweeeeeen, do I have to?” Hercules responded by throwing a pillow at Lafayette’s head before continuing with the rules. Alex and John shared a glance silently acknowledging how adorable the Frenchman’s obsession with American culture was. 

“As I was saying. You are to drink when 1) Luke whines about something, 2) Anyone mentions the Force, 3) R2D2 or C3PO get damaged, 4) Anyone says ‘Kenobi,’ and 5) Anyone insults or boasts about the Millennium Falcon. Hopefully those rules shouldn’t be too hard to remember. So, who needs a drink?”

Everybody except for Peggy, who was still on painkillers from her recent wisdom tooth removal, and Eliza, who had agreed to be the party mom, ended up with a drink and a weird determination to outlast the others in Hercules’s drinking game of doom. How they were going to make it through multiple films was a mystery that was best left unquestioned. 

Thomas settled in next to James, who had draped his arm over the back of the couch. James reached over for Thomas’s left hand, tracing circles just below the bandages. His soft smile couldn’t conceal the lingering worry, but it did exude comfort and a type of quiet pride. Thomas smiled back mildly. 

Before they knew it, Luke was trying to go to Toshi station to pick up some power converters. 

“Raise a glass,” Lafayette announced. 

Thomas and James clinked glasses and took a drink. It was the first normal-feeling moment in several days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things:  
> 1\. I am using my own experiences (with both abuse and guilt) to guide what's going on in this fic. Before I figured out that I was queer as hell, I was super religious. I convinced myself that I believed in some really unsympathetic things, and I actively preached those beliefs. So when TJ starts rethinking his life, that's me trying to apologize for being awful in my own way. I'm NOT trying to apologize for/excuse the real life TJ, who I'm pretty sure never felt bad about being a hypocrite, etc. This is total fiction. 
> 
> 2\. I had to google Star Wars drinking games. If anyone wants to do this one with me, hmu.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of drinking in this chapter. LOTS. Also mentions of self-harm. Nothing too heavy, though. It's a fun chapter.
> 
> French translations in the end notes. Please ignore any mistakes in that area.

John was the first one to fall asleep (read: pass out) in the course of the game. He almost made it to the end of Episode IV, but then Obi Wan’s disembodied voice told Luke to use the Force, Vader pointed out that the Force was strong with Luke, and R2D2 was hit. John groaned softly in time with the droid’s sad beeping. He ended up with his face planted in Hercules’s lap. Eliza rolled her eyes and lifted his legs off the floor and onto the couch, but she left his head where it was. Herc didn’t seem to mind.   
Alex was the next causality, though he did manage to make it halfway through Episode V. He somehow ended up under the coffee table. 

After Episode V, the remaining contestants needed a break and a snack. 

“Okay, what does everyone want to eat?” Eliza asked. “Keep in mind it’s currently,” she glanced at her watch, “1am.”

“Macarons!” Lafayette exclaimed. “NON, BEIGNETS! Beignets chauds, mmmm. Eliza, s’il te plait donnes-moi les beignets. Je suis trop iiiiiiiivreee.”

“Donot,” Thomas slurred, trying to rotate himself to face Eliza. “Donot get him beignets. Laf, there are no fucking. The patisserie isn’t open yet. Come back t’morrow.”

“Quoi?”

“Fous le camp.”

“QUOI??” Lafayette placed a hand over his heart in mock offense. 

“I have no idea what’s going on,” Hercules said with more articulation than anyone else who had opened their mouth thusfar, Eliza excluded. “But I really want tater tots.”

“Taters tots are good drunk food,” James agreed solemnly. 

“I was thinking more like burgers?” Eliza suggested. “I know there’s a burger place that will deliver. You can get fries, too.”

“Oh, there’s totally a Thai place that delivers until like 4am!” Peggy said excitedly. “I want Thai.”

“Mmm, that sounds really good actually,” Eliza agreed. “What about the drunks, though?”

“Cheese fries.” Angelica interjected, having apparently considered the options carefully. 

“Okay, James, would you be okay with a burger and fries?” 

“Sure!”

“Alright, Herc?”

“I guess, but I want cheese fries, too.”

“Okay, and what about the Francophiles?”

“You offend me,” Lafayette said, clearly struggling with his mental translation. 

“Thai sounds good,” Thomas replied. 

“Oui.”

“Okay, I’ll call out to both places. Peggy can you call one while I call the other?”

With that, the two sober persons retreated to the bedrooms to make their phone calls in silence. 

Lafayette sat on the floor in front of Hercules, who was unable to move freely. The Frenchman rested his chin in his hands and leaned in towards John’s face. 

“You always try to count his freckles when you’re drunk,” Hercules complained. 

“Creepy!” Angelica pointed out. 

“Ils sont les meilleurs taches de rousseur,” he replied dreamily. “Et aussi, l’anglais est trop difficile quand on est ivre.” 

Hercules said nothing in response. 

“He saysss English is too hard when you’re drunk,” Thomas slurred from across the room. 

“Oui, merci Thomas,” Lafayette responded, emphasizing the French pronunciation of Thomas. 

“What’d he say before that?” Hercules asked. 

“He’s being a sap,” Thomas summarized, deciding that it was too embarrassing to repeat what Lafayette had said. 

“Why am I not surprised,” Hercules turned his attention away from the weird situation in front of him and looked at Thomas. “I didn’t realize you were fluent in French.”

“I lived there for a few years growing up.”

“Oh, cool.” There was a short pause in the conversation before Hercules, talkative by nature and especially nosy when drunk, managed to put his thoughts into words. “Hey are you gonna be okay? Because I noticed you had a lot of bandages under your sleeve. You know Alex does the same thing.”

“Whaat?”

“You cut yourself, right?”

“Um. Yes.”

“Alex does that, too, sometimes. There’s a lotta other things you can do instead when you feel like doing that.”

“Wait, Thomas, did you really?” Angelica asked, waking up a little. “Okay, as soon as we’re sober I’m gonna take you to a place I know. It’s really discreet. Okay? Look at me,” she scrambled to get out of the chair she had been in. She made her way over towards Thomas and did her best at putting her hands on his cheeks. “Okay. Don’t kill yourself. Suicide is never the answer, ever. Never, Thomas! Never, ever. You said you would make an effort to not be a douche, and here we are, drunk together, and you’re not being douchey, so you’re kind of a friend now. Okay? Promise me.”

“Uh. Okay.”

“Good.”

Just then, Eliza and Peggy returned with the promise that food would arrive shortly. 

“Ugh, merde.”

“Lost count?”

Lafayette nodded and solemnly began counting under his breath again. 

Eliza made everyone drink water until the food arrived, and after eating, they resumed their marathon. 

Thomas lasted about 15 minutes into Episode VI, finally resting his head on James’s shoulder and slipping into unconsciousness. 

“And then there were four,” Angelica said melodramatically. 

They had long since finished the wine and the cognac and were now working on the reserve booze from under the cabinet. Ever since beginning of Episode V, the options had been fireball, vodka, or tequila. Back then, Lafayette had been sober enough to declare, in English, that their vodka tasted like hand sanitizer, and he had practically monopolized the fireball. 

Angelica finished off the last of the tequila the next time the Force was mentioned, and she handed the vodka over to Lafayette. 

“S’il te plait, noooooon,” he whined, draping himself over the arm of his chair. “Ça suffit. Ici reste Gilbert, il donne sa langue au chat.”

Angelica glanced at Thomas, who was still unconscious, and then looked up at James. 

“I have no idea,” he said. 

“I… cannot...” Lafayette whispered with much difficulty before curling on his side and apparently going to sleep. 

“And then there were three,” Angelica said as she passed the bottle over. “Actually, two,” she corrected as she caught a glance of Hercules, who was sitting upright but was clearly asleep. 

“May the better drunk win,” James said as he accepted the bottle. 

The two of them made it to the end of the film, although barely. James kept nodding off and waking up. 

“Hey,” Angelica said as the end credits rolled. “Before you pass out, I wanted to tell you you’re doing good. I know it’s unconventional to get completely wasted the day after a disastrous party, but it’s always safe here, we always have someone be the party mom, and any time one of you needs a distraction you’re welcome to hang with us.”

“I really appreciate that,” James replied slowly. 

“Now close your eyes so I can win.”

“Good night,” James whispered as he quickly fell asleep. 

“Eliza!” Angelica prompted. “Eliza! Peggy! I won!”

“That’s wonderful, sis. Drink this glass of water and then go to sleep.” Eliza was clearly exhausted. Peggy had at least gone into one of the bedrooms to sleep off her drugged haze. Eliza had been planning to join her as soon as the last of the drunks was asleep. Once Angelica complied with her instruction, she did just that. 

The next morning was hell, but at least everyone was suffering together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beignets chauds, mmmm. Eliza, s’il te plait donnes-moi les beignets. Je suis trop iiiiiiiivreee - Hot beignets, mmmm. Eliza, please give me beignets. I'm too druuuuuunkkkkk. 
> 
> Quoi? - What?
> 
> Fous le camp - Fuck off
> 
> Ils sont les meilleurs taches de rousseur - They are the best freckles. 
> 
> Et aussi, l’anglais est trop difficile quand on est ivre - And also, English is too hard when one is drunk. 
> 
> Merde - Shit
> 
> S’il te plait, noooooon - Please, noooooooo
> 
> Ça suffit. Ici reste Gilbert, il donne sa langue au chat - It's enough. Here lies Gilbert, he gives up ("he gives his tongue to the cat") (french idioms are the best idioms)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter. Everyone's hungover.
> 
> Thanks everyone for the wonderful comments btw! <3

Alex was the first to wake up, and he immediately hit his head on the coffee table. 

“Motherfucker!” He glanced around and saw that everyone else was passed out. John was curled up in Herc’s lap, his hair expanding as far out as it could. Herc was sitting upright with his head tilted back and his mouth open. Next to them on the couch were Thomas and James. James was leaning at a slight angle towards the arm of the couch, and Thomas was slumped against him. Lafayette had compacted himself as best he could to fit sideways on one of the chairs, and Angelica was asleep in the other. It was quite the scene.

Alex rolled out from under the table and cracked his joints. He made his way to the kitchen, drank a tall glass of water, and then started to make coffee. He was a little hungover, but at least he had slept for a solid 8 hours, which was rare for him. As he waited for the coffee, he dug through the cabinets for pancake mix and read the directions on the bag. It couldn’t be that hard. Then he realized that they might also have chocolate chips, so he set down the bag and searched for those instead. By the time he found them, the coffee was done, so he poured himself a cup (black) and took a long sip. 

John was beginning to stir. The smell of coffee filled the apartment and he slowly opened his eyes. Lifting his head, he realized that he had fallen asleep on Hercules. He kneaded his eyes with his palms and carefully stood up. 

“Good day, sunshine,” Alex said as he poured a second cup of coffee for John, refilling his own while he was at it. 

“Mmmf,” John responded. Alex opened the refrigerator and retrieved the cream for John’s coffee. 

“Remind me how obscenely sweet you like it?” he asked, pouring the first sugar packet into the mug while reaching for a second. 

“Sweet as sin,” John mumbled groggily. He was not a morning person. Alex, on the other hand, tended to not only hit the ground running, but to continue running until his body literally shut itself down from exhaustion. 

“So three packets, then.”

“Mmmf.”

Alex handed over the creamy, sweet coffee and John accepted it with both hands before sliding down to the floor. 

“Daaamn, are you that hungover?”

“How many fucking times did they have to say the Force? The Force is strong with him. Luke, use the Force. Force, Force, Force.”

“Jesus,” Alex laughed. “You’re a lightweight.”

“You’re one to talk,” Hercules said as he appeared in the kitchen. “You two were the first to pass out.”

“What?” Alex sounded offended. “No way, I totally outlasted…. um… um… aw fuck.”

“Who won?” John asked.

“Beats me. We ended up ordering a bunch of food. I think there’s leftovers in the fridge?”

“I’m making pancakes,” Alex declared with confidence. “Chocolate chip pancakes.”

Hercules raised an eyebrow at the amount of progress that had been made in that department. There was some flour in a bowl, in addition to on the counter, on the floor, and in Alex’s hair. The milk was set out on the counter, as were the chocolate chips. That was it. 

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah! Of course! I make great pancakes! Don’t I, John?”

“Baby girl, you know I love you, but let me drink my coffee, please.”

“Aw, come on, you love it!”

“Okay, Alex. I’ll help you. John, why don’t you take your coffee in the living room?” Hercules asked before muttering “actually I need a cup myself if I’m gonna do this.”

John complied, after a bit of assistance with getting off the floor, and finished his coffee in relative silence. 15 minutes later, he came back into the kitchen feeling slightly more human. He snuck up behind Hercules and kissed him on the back of the neck, and tried to do the same to Alex, who apparently was aware of his presence and turned around quickly enough that John’s lips landed somewhere between his cheek and his mouth. John laughed softly before filling up his mug again. 

John ended up watching as the two cooperated. It wasn’t long before they had a large quantity of pancakes plus leftover batter (Hercules had the foresight to stop while they were ahead, working under the assumption that whoever won was going to sleep at least 2 more hours). The three of them ate together on the kitchen floor. Normally, they all ate in the living room, but considering it was occupied, the floor would suffice. 

“Lafayette counted your freckles again,” Hercules mentioned.

“How far did he get this time?”

“No idea, he was counting in French.”

“Doesn’t he always?”

“Well, yeah, but usually there’s somebody to translate. But seeing as somebody passed out like two hours before that started up, I had no idea what he was saying. I had to rely on Thomas for translations.”

“Thomas speaks French?” John asked.

“Yeah,” Alex interjected. “He’s like a bigger Francophile than Laf is sometimes.”

“No kidding,” John said with wonder. 

“Well, speak of the devil,” Hercules said brightly as Lafayette dragged himself into the kitchen, immediately collapsing to the floor.

“Please someone give me coffee,” he requested. 

John stood up and made a cup the way Laf took it: cream but no sugar. He sat down and handed it over silently. 

“Merci.”

“So did you win?” Hercules asked after a couple of silent minutes. 

“Non. Angelica tried to make me drink the vodka. I forced myself to sleep after that.”

“Ha! Force,” Alex laughed, hitting John lightly on the arm.

“Shut up.” This was going to become an inside joke; John could feel it in his bones.

“You were the first to pass out, my dear Laurens,” Lafayette noted. “Alexander was not far behind you, though. Thomas was next; he made it all the way til after dinner. I maybe outlasted you, Herc. I am not sure.”

“I don’t remember drinking the vodka,” Hercules confirmed. 

“So it was James vs. Angelica, then,” Alex commented. “My money’s on Angie. Any takers? Come on, James has like, 80 pounds on her at least! Anyone?”

“Dude, Angelica can drink me under the table. And she has. Multiple times. Last night included.”

“Angelica won.” The three turned their heads up to see Eliza and Peggy at the entrance of the kitchen. “And you need to make another pot of coffee.”

Eliza was the one to actually do so, seeing as she was the only one who wasn’t hungover or on painkillers. 

Angelica was the next to make an appearance in the kitchen. James and Thomas showed up at the same time half an hour later. Apparently James had been awake for about an hour, but he wasn’t able to move so he just sat there quietly. 

Once everyone was fed and caffeinated, Alex announced the next phase of coping with a hangover: marathoning The West Wing until they felt like real people again. Alex was strangely predictable in this regard, but no one could deny that The West Wing was the best show to watch while massively hungover. Even Disney movies couldn’t compete. They always watched it with subtitles, though, because words like plenipotentiary tended to confuse Lafayette, and if they were honest, Hercules and John as well (Alex already knew what plenipotentiaries are, and ended up explaining it at length, with examples, to the other three). 

James and Thomas exchanged a glance, silently questioning whether they had worn out their welcome. Eliza naturally picked up on this and responded to their unspoken question.

“You’re welcome to stay or go as you please. We’d love to have you, though.”

“You’re very kind,” Thomas drawled in response, accepting the invitation partly because the world was still spinning and partly because he didn’t want to deal with his thoughts right now. 

It turned out that a marathon of The West Wing was the perfect distraction. Hercules had brought out a bunch of extra blankets and everyone ended up turning into little hungover burritos. It took a few episodes for Thomas and James to settle into the group dynamic in the light of day, but once it became clear that no one was interested in judging, Thomas pulled the blanket over his hair and leaned in closer to James. A few episodes after that, he realized that Alex and John had also gone full-on burrito at some point, though they were sharing the same blanket. 

It had begun to rain early in the afternoon and it progressed into a heavy downpour over the course of the day. The grey sky gradually darkened and the orange lights of the city shined through the steady stream of rain running down the window. Empty boxes of leftovers littered the coffee table. Angelica stood up while the end credits rolled patriotically (Lafayette frequently responded to the theme song by putting his hand over his heart). 

“Okay, children,” she addressed the group. “Mama’s got Human Rights in the morning and the ignorant asshats aren’t going to debate themselves.” She paused. “Present company excluded,” she added for Thomas’s benefit. “You guys need a ride?”

“We’d appreciate that,” James answered. 

Everyone said their goodbyes and the sisters along with James and Thomas made their way towards the car. 

“Shotgun!” Thomas and Peggy exclaimed at the same time. 

“Hey, no fair, I’ve got at least a foot on you!” Thomas complained when Peggy climbed in first. Peggy turned sideways in the seat and stuck her legs out. 

“Well I’ve got two f--“

“Peggy don’t put your feet on him, ew,” Angelica complained. Peggy pulled her legs back into the car with a disappointed huff while James, Thomas, and Eliza got into the back seat. 

James gave directions to his apartment and within five minutes they were parked outside. 

“Hey,” Angelica said, turning around. “I’d better see you in class tomorrow. I know where you live and I have your phone number.”

“I’ll be there,” Thomas replied. 

“What do you have after Human Rights?”

“American Cultural History, but it’s not until noon.”

“Okay. Well, see you then!”

“See ya.”

The two got out of the car and rushed towards the door in an attempt to stay at least semi-dry. Once they entered the apartment, James watched as Thomas shook out his hair. It felt like their roles had been reversed. Usually, Thomas was the one who had to worry about James and take care of him when he inevitably got sick. This kind of worry was new to James, and he found himself wondering how much was appropriate. He wondered if he should do anything differently now, or if he should try to get Thomas to talk about it. Or maybe it was better to act as he normally would. Everything was suddenly very confusing, and James wondered if he should be the one talking to Angelica about what to do. 

“Like the view?” Thomas’s lazy drawl broke him out of his thoughts. James walked over to him and wrapped his arms around the thinner man. 

“I don’t know what I would do without you,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to update this last night BUUUT it took me 2 hours of reading through West Wing transcripts to find the the word plenipotentiary (2.12 btw). On a related note, it is a very good show to watch hungover. Just don't expect to actually remember any of the crazy specific vocab words. 
> 
> I took the liberty of making John my coffee twin.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chugga chugga choo choo, angst train comin' through! 
> 
> In this chapter:  
> \- Survivor's guilt
> 
> Also, apparently Martha exists in this AU. Who knew? I certainly didn't. As I mentioned before, I'm flying by the seat of my pants with this one. I definitely did not think I'd get to 10k. 
> 
> I promise there's real plot coming up soon. I just have to figure it out.

James was beyond exhausted. He said a silent prayer to any entity that might be listening that he didn’t get sick. His health was so fragile and it didn’t take much to make him susceptible to illness, and this was a LOT. He was sitting in bed with his back propped against the wall, waiting for Thomas to bring the first aid kit from the bathroom so he could clean and re-dress his injuries. He didn’t even realize he had fallen asleep until a loud yelp woke him up. 

The sound startled him awake, and he sat up immediately. As he glanced around, he saw that Thomas was also sitting up, trying to catch his breath. 

“Hey,” James said in a low voice. “You okay?”

Thomas didn’t seem to register that he was being spoken to. James leaned forward and force himself into Thomas’s line of vision.

“Babe? Hey you’re okay. You’re safe now.”

Thomas blinked into focus. 

“I’m okay,” he finally replied breathlessly. “I’m okay.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” James ventured, his voice unsure.

“No, I mean,” Thomas’s breathing leveled out finally, “there’s nothing to talk about. I hardly remember anything at all.”

“Well, we can start with what you do remember,” James offered. 

“Yeah. Okay.” Thomas recalled as much as he could and James couldn’t help but notice that the underlying motif of all these memories was a combination of fear and pain. James was about to respond when Thomas continued speaking in a barely audible voice. “I dreamed that Martha was there, watching. She told me I deserved it. She said I deserved even worse.” 

“Thomas, Martha loved you. You know that,” James tried to console him. Thomas had only mentioned her once or twice, only when they were having these types of late-night deeply personal conversations. James never pressed for details; all he knew was that she had been Thomas’s best friend and high school sweetheart and that she had been killed in a car accident when they were both driving home from a college tour. 

“She loved who I was then. Not who I am now.”

“I’m sure she would still love you,” James said, trying to pick his words carefully. “I don’t see how she couldn’t. And I know she would never think you deserved this.”

“But I did, James. I did deserve it. When did I become such garbage?”

“You’re not garbage, Thomas,” James said firmly. “Sure, you’ve said some pretty shitty things, but who hasn’t? Martha didn’t love you because you were spotlessly perfect. And neither do I. We’ve been through this. You didn’t deserve to lose Martha, and you didn’t deserve to go through this.”

“Everything’s been so downhill the last few years, James. You’re the only good thing to come out of this shit fest. What if everything just keeps getting worse?”

“I know, baby, I know,” James reached out and pulled the taller man towards him until they were both leaning against the wall. “I know it’s been hard. But you’re doing so good. You haven’t given up, and that’s more than most people would be able to manage. And you never know. Just like everything went to shit in a second, it can all turn around. Who knows where you’ll be in a year?”

“You think so?” Thomas glanced up at James, trying to grasp at any comfort he could take from the younger man’s countenance. 

“You’re Thomas fucking Jefferson,” James said with a slight smile. “You’re going to come out on top. I know it.”

A slight smile crossed Thomas’s features before he raised an eyebrow and asked, “is that a proposition?”

James smacked Thomas lightly across the back of his head. “I didn’t mean it like that, you walnut.” He paused before reconsidering. “Why? Did you want it to be?”

“I don’t know,” Thomas responded. “Maybe? I just want to go back in time, before all this happened. Is it weird that I feel homesick for a period in time?”

James tightened his grip before answering. “No, baby. It’s not weird. In a way, I kind of know what you mean.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. Sometimes I try to remember what it was like before I worked myself half to death. You know, as a kid I hardly ever got sick? I never had to be careful about anything. I didn’t have to worry about getting 8 hours of sleep or eating certain things or avoiding cold water.”

Thomas sat up a bit in order to make eye contact. His brows were furrowed together slightly as he realized that James had also faced hardships in his life. “I’m sorry. I forgot,” he said sincerely. 

“It’s nothing compared to what you’ve been through,” James continued. “But I do feel sort of homesick for the days when I wasn’t so weak. Sometimes I think about how much better a boyfriend I could be to you if I weren’t always laying around with a fever or coughing up a lung.”

“You’re an excellent boyfriend, Jemmy,” Thomas said, invoking a rarely-used nickname just for the occasion. “I couldn’t have asked for a better person.” 

They sat like that in silence for several minutes, James holding on to Thomas. Finally Thomas spoke again. 

“I don’t think I can fall asleep again. You sleep. I’m going to make a cup of tea and watch Friends.”

“Are you sure? I can stay up with you if you want.”

“No, I’m fine. Go to sleep.”

“Wake me up if you need anything.”

“I will. James?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you. And thanks.”

“I love you, too. Any time.”

Thomas ended up staying awake all night. He had almost drifted off at one point - Joey was trying (with little success) to start up a conversation about volcanoes, having recently purchased the V volume of an encyclopedia - but he quickly jerked awake. When it got close to dawn, he paused the show and made his way over to the window.

James had a loft-style apartment with a wide window ledge that Thomas often liked to sit in. Sometimes, he would just grab a book and read in the window ledge, occasionally glancing at the traffic below. The city was oddly calming from such a perspective. He would see the college students hurrying to class alongside the businessmen heading towards the subway. He liked being above and away from it, but at the same time, he liked knowing that he was occasionally part of it as well. 

The sun was fighting to break over the horizon. It was always a fight. More often than not, the haze of air pollution prevented Thomas from seeing any actual sun rays, but he still took pleasure in watching the sky turn from black-orange to blue-orange. He was reminded of when he had first come to college. 

His first dorm had been a former apartment building that the school had bought. It even had a little courtyard on the 8th floor. Back then, he had been accustomed to sleepless nights, and he found himself amongst the trees overlooking the city as the dawn emerged slowly from the black abyss of night. There was a certain peace that he had found in that quiet hour, a peace that almost soothed the aching wound of loss. Gradually, however, the sleepless nights became a problem, and after a few days in the hospital after collapsing from exhaustion, he had adjusted his routine to involve waking at sunrise instead of being still awake at dawn. 

Now, the dawn reminded him of earlier times, but it also made him think about the present. It was no secret that he was hurt. Poor James had not only dropped everything to come back, but he had also walked in on that bloody scene in the shower. It almost seemed bizarre to think that the sun was rising, still. He felt that his own world had been shattered, yet again, but the universe didn’t even acknowledge its own powers of devastation. His seemingly infinite suffering did not even register as a minor disruption. 

Thomas wasn’t sure whether these thoughts were comforting or not. He wondered what Martha would say. What she would think of him. What she would be doing now if she had been given the time. High school sweethearts usually broke up in college, it seemed. She probably would be doing amazing things, being independent and making a difference in the world. It hurt to think that he had been given the time she had been denied, and that he had used it to spread negativity. 

His mind jumped around and he thought of Angelica. What an amazing capacity for forgiveness she had; it was something she shared with her sisters, as well. He would see her in a couple of hours. He doubted James would wake up before he had to leave, and he had no intention of disturbing him. James had barely slept in the last two days. Sleeping in a sitting position on the couch after a night of heavy drinking definitely did not count. Then again, Thomas hadn’t really slept much, either. He resolutely ignored that thought. 

The morning crept in and Thomas wasn’t hungry enough to eat before heading off to class. As he walked towards his building, he couldn’t help but feel that everyone was staring at him. The logical part of his mind knew this wasn’t true, but he also knew that rumors spread like wildfire, and if anyone had seen Hamilton dragging his unconscious self home, there would have been gossip. 

He got into the elevator and pressed 18. There was a decent crowd, though not as large as there was for afternoon classes. In fact, he was surprised that the attendance for Human Rights was consistently around 60%. 

The world had begun to spin. It had started out gently, but it grew increasingly violent with every floor. The crowd in the elevator had thinned out, and by the 10th floor it was just him and some girl he had never seen before. She got out on the 11th floor. Thomas tried to concentrate on the noise of the elevator, the lights that indicated which floor it was at, the posters on the wall. Anything except the fact that he knew his body was about to collapse. ‘Fourteen, almost there,’ he told himself, gripping the rail for dear life. He passed out just before the 15th floor. 

Angelica was slightly irritated when class started and Thomas wasn’t there. She sent him a text reminding him of his promise. Then, while the professor tried to pull up a website, she discreetly checked her social media and found her missing classmate/friend. There was a picture on Twitter with the text “when u really need the attendance points but u hungover as shit #college #mondays” and Angelica immediately recognized the unconscious student. She snuck out quietly and made her way to the elevators. The one in the center was the first to stop at her floor, and she peered in, ignoring the quizzical looks from the students inside. She waited until the doors closed and the elevator ascended before she pressed the down button. This time, the left elevator opened and she breathed a sigh of relief when she saw that it was empty except for Thomas. She stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the ground floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who hasn't passed out in an elevator? I know I have! Write about what you know, I suppose.
> 
> Also my college had amazing dorms. It's been forever since I've been to NYC so I just used my Chi-town experience instead.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure this is the longest chapter yet. Thanks @paperthinrevolutionary for talking to me last night! Everything seemed to flow much better this morning! 
> 
> Warnings for this chapter:  
> \- mentions of self-harm/suicide (in a therapy session, nothing detailed)

Thomas had managed to regain consciousness with Angelica’s help, and they made their way back to James’s apartment. James was sleepily making coffee when there was a knock on the door. 

“Hey, James,” Angelica said as she helped Thomas into the apartment. He had his arm draped over her shoulders for extra support as she walked him to the couch and deposited him there. 

“What happened?” James asked.

“Apparently I passed out in the elevator?” Thomas replied. He sounded almost proud of the accomplishment, but James knew he was trying to cover up how embarrassed he was. 

“Did you get any sleep last night?” Angelica asked. Thomas didn’t answer but had the decency to at least looked chagrined at the question. 

“I think he stayed up and watched Friends all night,” James offered. 

“Okay. Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to sleep now, I’m going back to class, and I’ll come back when I’m done for the day.”

“I can’t sleep,” Thomas said softly. Angelica gave him a questioning glance, but when it was clear that he wasn’t going to elaborate, she looked over at James.

“He had a nightmare last night and couldn’t fall back asleep.” 

“Oh.” Angelica paused thoughtfully. “Did you tell James what happened?”

“Yes.”

“That’s good! Look, Thomas, I’m not going to lie to you. It’s going to take time to feel normal again. You might feel a lot of things, or you might feel numb. But you have to just keep trying. At first, it’s going to feel like this is all you think about. But it will get better gradually. I promise.”

“I’m sorry, Angelica.”

“I know. And I already forgave you.”

“You shouldn’t have.”

“Thomas, you’re really tired. We can have this conversation later. James,” she said, turning towards the kitchen area. “When do you have class today?”

“In about an hour.”

“Okay. He shouldn’t be alone, even if he’s just sleeping. Here,” she pushed her phone towards him. “Give me your number. I’ll add you to our group chat and you can figure out who can come over while you’re in class.”

“I can stay here; we don’t need to bother anyone.”

“Nonsense,” Angelica insisted. “The two of you need all the help you can get.”

James typed his information into her phone and she immediately added him to their chat. 

“I know my sisters are both in class this morning, but I don’t think anyone else is. Lafayette won’t be up until at least 11. Hercules is working on a project so he may or may not be able to come. Probably your best bet is Laurens or Ham. Try to get Laurens. Alex doesn’t sit still.”

“Thank you,” James said sincerely. “Actually, do you think we could talk sometime? About… all this?”

“Of course,” Angelica replied. “I’m sure you’re almost as panicked as he is. I’ll text you, and I’ll come back here after class.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Once Angelica left, James peered over the back of the couch to check whether Thomas was actually sleeping. He couldn’t say that he was surprised to find the tall man stretched out but wide awake. 

“You heard the doctor,” James said light-heartedly. “You gotta sleep.”

“I can’t,” Thomas whined. 

“Okay,” James said mildly. “Let’s try this.” He went into the bathroom and dug through his medicine cabinet. “Here,” he handed Thomas a round pill. “This is just over the counter stuff for motion sickness, but it’s supposed to knock you out, too. Take this and see if it helps.”

“What if I dream?” Thomas said, looking up. “I won’t be able to wake up.”

“I’ll be right here,” James reassured him, laying a hand on his shoulder. “And I’ll make sure there’s somebody else here when I go to class. If you seem like you’re having a nightmare, we’ll wake you up.”

Thomas nodded once and took the pill. James sat next to him on the couch and silently ran his fingers through his long hair until he finally slept. 

-

“Shut the fuck up man!” a whispered voice warned. “You’re gonna wake him up.”

“Sorry, sorry.”

“Why did you want to come if you had work to do?” the first voice asked.

“I was worried, I don’t know. I feel weirdly… responsible? Not as in I caused this to happen but as in it somehow feels like my responsibility.”

“You are a very complex person, baby girl.”

“I’m enigmatic.”

“No, you’re just weird… Ow, HEY!”

“Shh, honey, you’re going to wake the baby!”

“Please never refer to Jefferson like that again.”

“Sorry, sorry.”

Thomas tried to follow the way the two voices seemed to float against total darkness. He knew he recognized them, but there was a barrier in his mind that prevented him from reaching any conclusions. He gave up and let the darkness wash over him again. 

-  
“Hey there, buddy,” a light, almost sing-song voice suddenly appeared. “Hey, how’s it going?” There was a light touch to his shoulder. “Come on, time to wake up.” The hand on his shoulder began to shake. 

Thomas groaned and slowly opened his eyes, blinking into focus. Hamilton’s face pretty much consumed his entire range of vision, which would have been more alarming if he weren’t so groggy. 

“You looked like you were having a nightmare and JMads told us to wake you up if that happened so here we are!” 

“Alex, chill,” this time Thomas recognized John’s voice from behind Alex. “You’re freaking him out.”

“Oh! Sorry!” Alex backed up a little. “It’s just, I know nightmares suck. I get them all the time. Oh!” he turned to John. “Remember the one where it was the apocalypse and there was an underground river of blood and Freddie Mercury was an angel who was trying to save me but I couldn’t reach him?”

“You cried for 20 minutes and then wandered around the apartment singing ‘all going down to see the lord Jesus.’”

“Hehe oh yeah.”

“I’m sorry,” John said pointedly to Thomas. “He’s somehow actually worse if he doesn’t drink coffee. Angelica should be back in half an hour, if you wanted to go back to sleep.”

“Is he going to be quiet?” Thomas asked, his voice rough from sleep.

“Of course,” John answered, raising an eyebrow at Alex. 

“Mmf,” Thomas groaned as he closed his eyes and went back to sleep. 

-

Thomas gradually became aware of hushed voices as he slowly approached consciousness. This was different from the previous two times because 1) whoever was talking seemed to be aware that he was asleep, and 2) the register was distinctly higher. He shifted his position, opened his eyes, and slowly sat up. 

“Ooh, good afternoon, sleeping beauty,” Angelica’s voice was still soft. Unlike Hamilton, she seemed to know how to wake a person up. “Feeling better?”

“Um… a little.”

“Okay, why don’t we go for a little walk.”

“Okay…”

The four of them left the apartment. Alex had class later that afternoon, so he and John headed to the library in the meantime. Angelica lead Thomas through the campus. 

“So I’m taking you to a resource center in the counseling building,” she explained. “I called ahead so they know you’re coming. I know 90% of the staff there, and they’re great. You don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, especially the first time. I’ll be waiting for you in the building, so if you’re worried that someone might see you go inside, you can always just tell them you were bringing me here instead. My sisters are going to meet us after you’re done and we can get something to eat if you want. Is that okay?”

Thomas furrowed his brow and tried to take in all that information. It was a lot to process, but the part that he couldn’t comprehend was that Angelica was doing this for him and that she had even been thoughtful enough to try and preserve his reputation. 

“Okay?” She asked again.

“Why are you doing this for me?” he asked as they entered the building together. She slowly reached towards his face with one hand, her nails perfectly shaped and painted red, and squeezed his cheeks gently. 

“Because we’re friends,” she said, forcing him to make eye contact. 

“But why?”

“Because you apologized for being a dick and I accepted your apology. Now, come on.” She lead him to a waiting room and checked in with reception. Thomas filled out a short intake form and then they both sat down.

The waiting room was relatively small and there was a boombox playing classic radio hits from the 90s. The bookshelves were filled half with psychology books and half with random Nat Geo books. There were a few old magazines as well. Next to the boombox was a bowl filled with candy of a questionable expiry date. There was the obligatory table full of pamphlets and flyers, as well as slinkies and containers of silly putty. There was only one other person in the waiting room, and Thomas didn’t recognize her, thankfully. He continued to glance around, growing increasingly nervous with every minute. 

“You’re okay,” Angelica whispered to him. “Breathe.” 

He didn’t realize he had been holding his breath, but he exhaled and tried to focus on staying calm. It wasn’t long until his name was called and he was lead into a small office. 

He sat down and ran one hand through his hair nervously as the counselor introduced herself and gave him a brief overview of the process. She then handed him a stress-anxiety-depression assessment form which he filled out while she read his intake papers. 

“Okay, Thomas,” she said after reviewing his assessment form. “Do you prefer Thomas or Tom?”

“Thomas.”

“Okay. So this assessment was designed by psychologists to be a simple way to get an overall picture. The ratings are: normal, mild, moderate, severe, and very severe. This assessment isn’t completely comprehensive, so I’m going to have to ask you a few more questions. You scored moderate on the stress portion, and you scored very severe for both depression and anxiety. Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?”

“Um…” Thomas glanced at the floor and rubbed his wrist, feeling the texture of the cuts there. “Yes.”

“When was the last time you self-harmed?”

“A couple days ago.”

“Okay. Have you been having thoughts of suicide?”

“Um… I don’t know. Maybe a little. Not really since that one day, though.”

“Are you currently thinking about self-harm or suicide?”

“Not really?” Thomas answered uncertainly. “I haven’t really been alone since then, so no.”

“That’s good. Your intake form says that you live with a roommate?”

“Yes. But I’ve been staying at my partner’s place for the last couple days.”

“And what about when your partner is gone?”

“He had some… friends… come over.”

“Excellent. It sounds like you have a pretty good support system.”

“I guess,” Thomas said without real emotion. “It’s a weird situation.”

“Do you think they’d be willing to stay with you for a little longer?”

He thought of Angelica. “Probably.”

“Okay. Last question: do you think your partner would be willing to drop by at some point?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good, Thomas. Here’s what I’d like to do. I don’t really want to get into anything too heavy today, just because we won’t be able to wrap it up in the time we have left and I don’t want to open a can of worms on you. It’s great that you have people who can support you. If you didn’t have a support system, I would be concerned and I might have asked you to check yourself into the hospital, but as long as you have somebody with you - just for a few days at least - I don’t think that’s necessary. If you could come back tomorrow, we can start properly then.”

“Sure.”

“Alright. You can schedule at the front desk. Finally, here’s my card. Ask your partner to call me when he gets the chance.”

Thomas left the office and immediately saw the Schuyler sisters sitting in the waiting room, looking at one of the worn-out magazines and having some type of mild argument about it. He scheduled his next appointment and made his way towards them. 

“All done?” Eliza asked. 

“For now. She wants me to come back tomorrow. And she wants James to call her.”

“Oh! That’s good you got another appointment so soon,” Angelica said. “Hungry?”

“I guess.”

“Let’s get something to eat, then.”

Everything felt suddenly surreal. Thomas wondered for a moment whether this was what reality had become, or whether he was still dreaming. A few days ago, he had been legitimately concerned that Angelica was going to break his nose, and now he was going to dinner with her and her two sisters. And he had always thought of Hamilton as a pest, but, overactive as he was, he had been able to completely drop their rivalry pretty much in an instant. Maybe they all deserved more credit than Thomas had given them. 

Once they settled down with food, Thomas sent a quick text to James with the counselor’s number before tuning into the sisters’ conversation. 

“I can’t believe you like shoestring fries,” Angelica was saying to Peggy. “They’re the worst type of fries.”

“What?” Peggy tried to defend herself. “They’re nice! They’re little!”

“It’s like eating air!”

“I have to agree with Angie,” Eliza said with a touch of regret. “Shoestring fries belong at the bottom of the list.”

“One of those magazines had a ranking of types of fries,” Angelica explained, realizing that Thomas had no idea why they were arguing over this. “And it put shoestring fries as like number 3. Tell me you don’t like them.”

“I was always more partial to pommes souffles, myself,” he said. The three sisters groaned in unison. 

“I forgot you’re in love with France,” Angelica teased lightheartedly. 

“Yeah, he’s so elitist,” Peggy and Eliza said in unison, but without any rancor.

“What? The French are sophisticated!” 

The sisters laughed without restraint. 

“Have you met Lafayette?” Angelica asked. “Don’t let his charm fool you. He covers dirty dishes with tinfoil so he can eat without doing the dishes.” 

“Herc told me that he bought this fancy soap with beans in it once and he just flicked the beans down the drain when they fell off, so there was this plant growing out of the bathtub one time and Laf honestly couldn’t figure out why,” Peggy said.

“Apparently, before he moved in with the guys, he lived with a host family who had a television. Alex told me one time he was watching PBS at 2 in the morning when they were having an auction and he won a 20 pound wheel of cheese. He asked Alex to help him pick it up at the station, since no one else was awake. They barely even knew each other at the time. Alex said his enthusiasm for the cheese was, and I quote, ‘grating’.”

“Oh my god,” Peggy laughed. “Why are we friends with these people?”

Thomas couldn’t help but chuckle at the different anecdotes. He had been friends with Lafayette for a while - not as long as they had, but still a considerable amount of time - but he had never seen that side to him. He found himself enjoying the sisters’ company so much that he hardly even felt guilty for making them babysit him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the thing with the cheese auction really happened to my grandpere when he first came to america. it's literally the french-est thing i've ever heard. 
> 
> also, alex's dream is a real dream that i had once. the song (jesus) is a real queen song from their first album.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is kinda on the short side. But I wanted to post it because I figured we could all use some comfort after the hurts of life. 
> 
> Talks of self-harm and mention of suicide, nothing detailed.

Therapy was hard. It was maybe the hardest thing Thomas had ever done, he thought. His therapist had said that it might feel worse before it started to feel better, but that was normal. When they met again, Thomas talked about what had happened and she had given him some suggestions on how to cope and ask for help. Still, after the session everything felt hazy around the edges. Class passed by in a blur, and Thomas found that he couldn’t even focus enough to take notes. James wasn’t going to be home when he got there, so Alex would be waiting to walk Thomas home and hang out until James’s class was over. 

Thomas wasn’t sure he could handle Alex right now. 

“Heeeyyy there TJeffs!” Alex stood up from the floor where as soon as he saw Thomas. “So, you managed to survive Dr. Clinton’s class? Man I took that one last semester and it was boring as heeeelll. Hey, are you okay?” 

“Meh,” Thomas had wanted to ask him to not be so… Hamilton… but he found that he lacked the energy to express it. 

“Rough day in therapy?” Alex asked quietly. 

“Yeah.”

“Man, I know what that’s like. Did they give you the ‘it gets worse before it gets better’ spiel? I thought it sounded like bullshit at first, but they’re actually right about that.”

“You were in therapy?”

“Oh, boy, was I! Would you believe I have bipolar disorder?”

“Never would have guessed,” Thomas replied sarcastically. 

“Oh, ha ha. See most of the time I’m pretty fast!” Alex made some sort of gesture to indicate speed. “But sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I really hate everything in the world, I hate myself, I hate college. I don’t hate my boyfriends; they’re like the only exception. But yeah, I’m surprised no one’s mentioned it.”

“Hercules might have mentioned that you self-harm?”

“Oh, yeah, but I’m getting better now. Why, do you?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Did you tell your therapist? They have --“

“Yeah. I know, there’s other ways to cope,” Thomas cut him off a bit testily. 

“Right. Sorry. I know it kinda sucks being on suicide watch. But --“

“Suicide watch?”

“Oh. Wait. Sorry. I just assumed.”

“No, I guess that’s what this is,” Thomas said, resigned. 

“Heeey, the important thing is you’re getting help! Which means you can get better faster! Whoosh!” He made the speed gesture again. “Recovery!”

By now they were just outside the apartment. As Thomas fished around for his key, Alex kept talking.

“So, I was going to do some work now, but if you want we can do something else. JMads will be home in half an hour, so what do you wanna do? Normally I’d say we could get drunk but it’s a bad idea to get drunk after a hard therapy day.”

“I was hoping we could get drunk.”

“Yeah, see, I thought the same thing! We’re a lot alike, you and me. I guess that’s probably why we always hated each other, right? Anyway, we can have one drink, but that’s it. Let’s watch something. What do you wanna watch? Oh, I know --”

“Cartoons,” they said in unison. 

Alex opened his laptop and pulled up Netflix while Thomas poured two glasses of whiskey. 

When James returned, he found the two of them on the couch watching a kid’s show with their hair pulled up in pigtails. 

Alex left after they finished the episode they were on. James poured himself a drink and watched them bemusedly from the kitchen. It was certainly the last thing he would have ever expected to come home to, but it wasn’t unwelcome at all. It was nice. He made a mental note that he would have to talk to Alex and resolve their own misgivings. 

“Join me on the couch?” Thomas asked after Alex had gone home. 

James made his way over and sat down.

“How was your day?”

“Rough,” Thomas answered honestly. “Therapy is hard. I really wanted to get drunk as soon as I got home, but Alex only let me have one drink.”

“That’s probably a good thing,” James replied. “Escapism through drugs and alcohol is never a healthy response to anything.”

“I know,” Thomas said guiltily. “But, it was just a lot today.”

“I’m so proud of you for going through with this and getting help, though. You’re being very brave.” James paused, considering his next thoughts. “Can I kiss you?”

Thomas raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Why do you have to ask?”

“I just wanted to check with you.”

Thomas leaned over and kissed James instead of dignifying that with a verbal response. He could taste the warm, lingering flavor of the whiskey, and he realized that he had missed this over the past few days. 

“You never need to ask permission to kiss me,” Thomas said when they broke apart. 

“I just wanted to give you control,” James admitted softly. 

“Oh. I didn’t realize I was dating Angelica,” Thomas said with a smile. 

“I had lunch with her.”

“I could tell.”

“I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“While I appreciate the sentiment, your concern is unfounded. If you wanted to have sex right now, we could.”

“I’d never ask you to do that,” James said, slightly aghast at the idea. “You need time to recover. You know I’d never hurt you or try to use you. And I’d never be disappointed in you, either.”

“That’s why I trust you, James. Only you.”

They settled back on the couch, Thomas leaning against James. After some time, the former began to nod off, and the made their way to the bedroom. James helped an exhausted Thomas change into pajamas before they both got into bed and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you know what my ex did one time when I had a really tough therapy day? literally rolled on the ground laughing and said ‘I never have a bad day’ like it was the funniest thing ever #youdontdeserveme


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter: 
> 
> \- Drama™  
> \- self harm  
> \- hospitals
> 
> And I feel it's an appropriate time to remind everyone that this will have a happy ending because I really think life is too sad for sad fiction.

James didn’t wake up when Thomas awoke, sweating and breathing heavily from another nightmare. It was fortunate, Thomas decided, since James’s health didn’t handle stress very well. He deserved his sleep. It was frightening to imagine what would have happened in this situation without James. 

Thomas slid out of bed as quietly and gently as possible, considering how real his nightmare had felt. He really wanted a cigarette right now, but he didn’t keep any at James’s place, primarily because James would be furious that Thomas not only smoked, but was making no attempts to quit. It wasn’t like he smoked a lot, anyway; James was just sensitive because most of his problems were with his lungs. 

Thomas put on his shoes and went downstairs to the building’s lobby. It was 3 in the morning, but maybe the security guard could help him out. 

As it turned out, there was a girl smoking outside. Thomas had seen her a couple times before when he stayed over, so he ignored the anxiety building up in his mind and asked her if he could bum a cigarette. She was just about to head inside, but she handed one over and pulled out her lighter. 

“So do you live here?” she asked, making small talk.

“My boyfriend does.”

“Oh, right. The quiet, bulky guy, right?”

“That’s him.”

“He seems nice.”

“Yeah, he is.”

With that, she went back inside and Thomas was left alone. He stood for a while, letting the nicotine relax his body and basking in the comfort of the ritual. After a few minutes, he crouched down and leaned against the wall. He was exhausted and just wanted to be able to sleep through the night. The whole ordeal was just so frustrating. He rolled up his sleeve and glanced at the healing cuts on his wrist. A thought popped up in his mind, quiet at first but interesting enough to grow into an overbearing presence. ‘You deserve pain,’ it told him. ‘It’s not enough.’ He pressed the cigarette into his arm and twitched with the sensation. Somehow, though, it felt good; it felt right. He repeated the process a few more times before taking one last drag and extinguishing it. He rolled down his sleeve and went back inside. 

When he got back into the apartment, he brushed his teeth before sliding back into bed. ‘James is always so warm,’ he thought, as he gradually fell asleep again. 

The next time Thomas woke up, it was because James was coughing and sitting up in bed next to him. Thomas opened his eyes slowly, but quickly became alert.

“James? Are you okay?”

“I can’t… breathe…” James rasped between coughs. 

“I’m calling a cab, we’re taking you to the hospital,” Thomas said as he pulled out his phone and found the number for a taxi service. “Try to take deep breaths. You’re okay. Deep breaths, sweetheart.” 

“Thomas…” James said softly. 

“Okay, don’t worry,” Thomas hung up the phone and placed a hand on James’s back. “The cab’s coming now. We’ll get you to the hospital. Can you stand up, darling?”

Thomas helped his boyfriend out of bed and did his best to support his weight as they made their way downstairs. Thomas was taller, sure, but James was broad and solid and a little hard to carry. Somehow, they made it just as the cab was pulling up in front of the building. Thomas helped James into the taxi and told the driver to take them to the hospital. 

“Deep breaths, come on, love. You can do it. Just focus on breathing. Deep breaths. Breathe in… breathe out…” Thomas did his best to direct James, and even though he had done this before, it didn’t make it any easier. Fortunately, there was no traffic this early in the morning, and the drive was quick. Thomas thrust some cash into the driver’s hand - much more than the fare - and helped James out of the car. 

It wasn’t until a nurse had grabbed a wheelchair and taken James to a room that Thomas could process what was going on. 

‘This is my fault,’ he thought, as he sat down in the waiting room. ‘James is stressed because I had to go off and get raped and be a hot fucking mess and force him to take care of me. I killed Martha, and oh my god, I’m going to kill James, too.’ All of a sudden, Thomas realized that his vision was becoming a vignette. Everything was closing in. He didn’t get a chance to register the blackness before he passed out. 

When Thomas woke up, he felt like he was being blinded with florescent lights. He blinked a few times, trying to bring the room into focus. He was in the hospital, that much was obvious. After a moment, he remembered why.

“James,” he said. “James?” He looked around, only to find that the room was empty. He was in a bed, and there was a remote in his lap. He hit the red button in the center of the device, and within moments a nurse was in the room with him. “Where’s James?” he asked. 

“James?” She repeated. 

“James Madison. I brought him here. He couldn’t breathe.”

“I’ll have to check,” she said. “But how are you feeling? Do you know why you’re here?”

“Because I brought James here,” Thomas said, getting slightly frustrated.

“Okay, but do you know why you’re in a bed?”

“Um… I passed out, right?”

“Yes,” she confirmed. “You had a panic attack and started hyperventilating. You passed out in the waiting room. Normally, we’d let you go once you woke up, but we found several cuts and burns on your arm, so we’d like to keep you overnight and have a psychiatrist evaluate you in the morning.”

Thomas groaned in protest. “I’m already in therapy,” he complained. “I just want to see James.”

“Okay,” she conceded. “I’ll go check on his condition… Madison, you said?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll go see how he’s doing. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Fine,” Thomas replied grumpily. The next several minutes felt like years, but the nurse eventually returned. 

“Your friend is stable,” she told him. “He’s being held overnight, but he’s still awake if you wanted to see him.”

“Yes,” Thomas said, getting up. 

“Hold on, there,” the nurse stopped him. “I’ll take you.”

She lead him to James’s room and even though it was annoying to have an escort, Thomas immediately forgot about her as soon as he entered the room. James was propped up in the bed, wearing a gown and looking tired. 

“James,” Thomas said, making his way to the bed and sitting on the edge of it. “How are you?” He stroked James’s cheek with the back of his hand. 

“A little better,” James said, his voice worn out. “They drained some fluid from my lungs.”

“My god.”

“They said I should be fine. They just want to keep me here for a few more hours to make sure the fluid doesn’t come back.”

“I’m so sorry, James.”

James furrowed his eyebrows. “Why?”

“It’s my fault. I made you stressed, and --“

“Thomas, you’re brilliant, but you’re stupid. It’s not your fault. You know how my health is.”

“I’m not helping.”

“Thomas,” James said sternly. “You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t deserve this. If I’m worried about you, it’s only because I love you. You should never be sorry about that. I know I’m not.”

“But --“

“Shhh,” James pulled the taller man down to lie in bed next to him. It was a tight fit, but they made it work. James ran his fingers through Thomas’s disheveled curls. “Do you want to sleep? I think you should call Lafayette or Alex or someone to take you home.” 

“I don’t want to go,” Thomas whispered. 

“I know, baby. But I’m really tired and I’m going to fall asleep soon. I don’t want you to be alone.”

“They want me to stay here,” Thomas admitted, slightly embarrassed. 

“They do? How come?”

“I may have had a panic attack. And they noticed that I self harmed. And I think I’m on suicide watch,” he glanced back at the nurse who was still in the room with them. 

“Oh, Thomas…” 

“I know. I know I’m a mess. I’m sorry.”

“No!” James was clearly exhausted as he tried to protest. “Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. Just. I’m really tired, Thomas. Just please be safe. If you have to stay here, that’s okay. If you want to have someone take you home, that’s okay too. Please be safe.” James was starting to succumb to sleep, so the nurse took the opportunity to lead Thomas back to his own room, though not before a quick goodnight kiss between the two patients. 

Thomas finally agreed to stay overnight, mostly just so he could be closer to James, but also to alleviate any concerns about him. He typed a quick message into the group chat because he couldn’t remember who was supposed to meet him first the next day. 

>James and I are both in the hospital. We’re okay. Probably going to get out tomorrow AM/afternoon. 

He sent the message and tried to sleep. It wasn’t easy, especially being alone in bed and knowing that James was also alone. Eventually, though, his body shut down, being completely drained of energy. 

The next morning, Thomas met with a psychiatrist while the doctors made sure James’s lungs were okay. When both of them were assessed and given the okay to leave, they found Angelica and Eliza waiting for them. 

“The two of you need to stop almost dying,” Angelica chastised affectionately as they met up. “We’ll drive you home, but the guys were thinking of dropping by, so if you want to hang out at their place, we can do that instead.”

Thomas and James looked at each other. 

“It’d probably be good to get a change of scenery,” James commented mildly. 

“Thomas?” Angelica checked.

“I think so.”

“Okay, their place it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :O poor james!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking I can kinda see where I want to take this (finally, lol). My guess is there'll be 2 or 3 more chapters? I'm not 100% but that's what I'm thinking. 
> 
> This chapter is relatively happy. Get ready, though. I'm pretty sure there's gonna be some Drama™ in the next chapter.

“Ugh,” Angelica grunted as the four friends (were they really friends now?) waited for the elevator in the guys’ building. “Don’t look now, but here comes Burr.”

“Angelica! Eliza!” Burr was quickly approaching them as Angelica pressed the up button again for good measure. It was too late. “And… Madison and Jefferson. What are you girls hanging around them for?” 

Eliza opened her mouth, but Angelica beat her to it. 

“We’re organizing the annual Aaron Burr is a Creep convention. ABC Con for short.”

“Very funny,” Aaron smiled, choosing to ignore her tone. The elevator arrived, and all five of them got in. “Jefferson, what happened to your head?”

Thomas raised a hand self-consciously to his forehead, where the stitches were still prominent. 

“I fell,” he said vaguely. 

“At the party?” Burr asked. “Man, that was wild, am I right? I heard that you and Alexander hooked up.”

“What,” Thomas spat, feeling equal parts confusion and rage.

“I heard he took you home? Maria said she saw him dragging you away from the house. And Charles said you guys were acting weirdly friendly after class.”

“He was taking me to the hospital,” Thomas enunciated venomously, “because I had a concussion.” He silently thanked whoever was responsible for allowing that lie to roll effortlessly off his tongue. 

“Oh.”

The rest of the ride was, fortunately, quiet. Aaron lived a few floors down from Alex and company, and his floor was coming up. 

“Well, I hope to see you girls around,” he said as the elevator gradually stopped at his floor. “And Thomas, I’ll see you at debate club tomorrow.”

Well, fuck. Was that tomorrow already? Didn’t they just have a meeting? The door closed and James said what everyone was thinking.

“You don’t have to go tomorrow.”

“I’m the president.”

“I know, but you still don’t have to go if you don’t want to. It’s up to you.”

They entered the apartment without knocking; the door was open and the guys were expecting them anyway. 

“Hey, everyone’s here!” Alex said as soon as they got inside. 

“Oh, mes amis,” Lafayette stood up and approached the Schuyler sisters, kissing them both on the cheeks. “Thank you for bringing them back safely.” He then faced the other two. “You both need to be taken care of, I think.” 

Lafayette’s idea of taking care of his friends mainly consisted of tea and Disney channel original movies from the 90s. Thomas and James sat in the same spot in the corner of the couch as the last time, pulling the blankets over themselves and sipping the peppermint tea Laf had given them. Alex had been planning on writing, but then Lafayette pulled up Susie Q and suddenly the whole gang was present. Thomas took notice of how comfortable and familiar this had become, even though it had hardly been a week. It was as if he and James had always been hanging out in this apartment, watching movies with the quartet and the Schuylers. 

“Can we watch Can of Worms next?” John asked. 

“Why do you like that one so much?” Alex asked, only slightly complaining.

“I don’t know, I like that the kid finally felt like he belonged?”

“Man every kid in every Disney movie finally feels like he belongs,” Hercules complained. He had been silently working at the table he had set up in the living room, sewing something for his current project. 

“Don’t you relate to it, Hercules?”

“Man, don’t you go there.”

“Haven’t you often dreamed…”

“John Laurens, I will sew your hand to your face…”

“Of a far off place…”

“Okay,” Hercules stood up and made his way towards the couch. 

“With a great, warm wel --“ John was abruptly cut off when Hercules grabbed a pillow from the couch and began beating him with it. The two wrestled on the floor while everyone else ignored them. Apparently it was a relatively quotidian occurrence. 

“Hey Alex,” Thomas said, disregarding the fight. “Are you going to debate tomorrow?”

“Oh shit, that’s tomorrow? Damn. Wasn’t it just yesterday?”

“Apparently not.”

“We ran into Burr in the hallway,” Eliza mentioned. 

“What a creep,” Angelica said. 

“Oh. Well. I don’t know. I guess I’ll probably go. I can tell everyone you’re sick if you don’t want to go.”

“I think I want to go.”

“Are you sure?” James asked, concerned. 

“Yeah. I have to go sometime. I’ll be fine.”

“There’s probably other rumors going around,” Angelica warned. “Just so you’re prepared.”

“I know.”

“Wait, what rumors?” Alex asked.

“Burr asked me if we fucked,” Thomas said bluntly. 

“We, like you and me?”

“Yeah. Maria saw you take me home.”

“Maria was shitfaced, what does she know?”

Thomas shrugged. “Enough to spread rumors, I guess. It seems like Lee was involved too.”

“Lee,” seethed John, suddenly joining in the conversation from his spot on the floor. “I hate that guy. I hate Lee so much --“

“We know, baby boy,” Alex said. “We know you hate Lee.”

“Hey, you want me to come? I can beat up Lee if you want!”

“Laurens, no,” Angelica said. 

“Laurens, yes!” John said.

“Laurens, no,” Alex, Eliza, and Thomas said in unison. 

“I’ll be okay. But my therapist said that I can’t hide from what happened forever. I have to accept it and try to move forward.”

“We’ll support you,” Angelica promised. “We can all get together and grab a beer after your meeting is over.”

“I’d like that,” Thomas said mildly. 

“Now that that’s figured out,” Lafayette said, reminding everyone of his presence. “John, we are not watching Can of Worms. We watched it last time and it was bad. It was capital-b Bad. Thomas? James? Do you have a preference?”

“Horse Sense! Horse Sense! Horse Sense!” Hercules cheered as he sat back down at his work table. 

“I did not ask you for your input!” Lafayette responded. “Nobody likes Horse Sense!”

“I always liked the one about the merman,” James said quietly. 

“Oh! The Thirteenth Year!” Alex exclaimed. “Man that one was sick!”

“Who wants more tea?” Eliza asked, standing up and heading towards the kitchen. 

“S’il te plait, mon cheri,” Lafayette asked, fluttering his eyes at her.

“Laf, you don’t need to flirt with me to get something I offered to bring you.”

“I know, but it’s such fun!”

Once everyone was set up, they started the next movie. For an hour, it was like being in 5th grade again. 

“Do you remember what it was like being under 13?” Eliza asked at some point.

“Almost as bad as being over 13,” John replied. 

“Yeah, but I’m glad I’m an adult. Even though it kind of sucks,” Angelica agreed. 

“It definitely sucks,” Hercules said from his work table. 

“I haven’t slept in 3 days,” Thomas agreed. 

“Here, here,” Alex chimed in. 

“But,” John began, “at least I’m not scared and confused and convinced I’m going to hell.”

“No one’s forcing me to go to church every Sunday,” Thomas agreed again.

“I don’t live in Nevis,” Alex said softly.

Everyone was silent for a minute. Alex rarely spoke about his childhood, but they all knew it was an unhappy one. 

“I’m glad it got better, eventually,” Angelica broke the silence. “And it’s going to continue to get better,” she said, facing Thomas as she spoke and laying a hand gently on his shoulder. 

After the movie was over, Hercules and Alex had to go to their evening classes and the Schuyler sisters had to go home to finish their homework for the next day. They dropped Thomas and James off on their way back, refusing to let James walk in the chilly air. 

“Take care of each other,” Eliza said as they got out of the car. 

“We will. See you tomorrow,” James replied with familiarity and ease. 

The two went upstairs and James immediately went into the bathroom and began digging through his medicine cabinet. 

“I just realized we’ve been wearing pajamas all day,” Thomas noted. “I mean, I’m not going to change now, but no one seemed to notice.”

“Lafayette was wearing a shirt that had a cat with a mustache captioned ‘Don’t Stop Meow’. I’m pretty sure pajamas all day is par for the course with that group.”

“This is true.”

“Have you really not slept in 3 days?” James asked as he returned from the bathroom.

“The last time I slept was when you drugged me. So, yeah, 2 or 3 days.”

“I’m going to drug you again and you’re going to tell your therapist the next time you see her. Here.” James handed him a white tablet. “This is what I gave you last time. Depression feeds off of insomnia.”

“Does it now?”

“Yes, it does.” James paused while Thomas swallowed the tablet. “Thomas?” 

“Hm?”

“Do you smoke?”

“What? Why?”

“Before they released us, the cops came to question me. They implied that I might be abusing you. They said that you had a bunch of cigarette burns on your arm.”

“Oh,” Thomas’s gaze fell to the floor. “Only when I’m stressed,” he admitted. 

“I’m not mad,” James clarified, gently placing his arm around Thomas’s shoulders and leading him to bed. “It was very thoughtful of you to let me sleep. But you know you can wake me up if you need to talk. I’d rather just one of us end up in the hospital, instead of both of us.”

“Okay, Jemmy,” Thomas said, clearly too tired to say more than a few words. 

“Sleep tight.”

“Mm.”

The drugs had made Thomas tired at first, but after an hour he was still painfully aware that he wasn’t asleep. He could feel the exhaustion in his limbs and behind his eyes, but there was something preventing him from crossing into unconsciousness. He was too tired to move around or do anything, so he tried to focus on listening to James breathe. If nothing else, at least there was that: at least James was breathing. It was an improvement from the last time they had been in bed together. Maybe Angelica was right. Maybe it would get better. Eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Susie Q was the best Disney Channel Original Movie IMO. Also, insomnia sucks so bad. I can't even find the words to describe how Terrible it is.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took longer than usual to update this time. I'm *actual cough* sick. 
> 
> I did something a little different in this chapter and went back to the beginning but from James's perspective. It's more paragraph-y than usual. I hope it's okay? 
> 
> Next chapter will push the plot forward and go back to normal. 
> 
> Thanks so much for tolerating my particular flavor of Sin/Trash! I really do appreciate the comments and kudos. Y'all are the best! <3

After James had moved out, he had always had mixed feelings about visiting his parents in his childhood home. On the one hand, it was familiar. There was something nice about being able to sit in his old room and think about how far he had come since he was a kid. Those walls - still the dark blue they had been throughout high school - had witnessed everything. They had seen him crack open the Bible late at night when certain thoughts tormented his mind like relentless, hungry demons. They had seen his tears stain the pages occasionally. They had seen his hands, large and awkward and disproportionate, pull at his hair in frustration over physics or his parents or boys. The walls had bore silent, passive witness to his pages and pages of writing as he worked ceaselessly to solve the puzzle of himself. They held all of his secrets, his shame, and a few of his joys as well. When he went home, it was almost like they returned a small piece of him which he had left behind. 

However, dealing with his parents when he returned hadn’t necessarily gotten a lot easier. It might have been a mistake to come out to them senior year of high school; the topic seemed to arise in every conversation, it seemed, and no one was changing their positions. As much as the familiarity was comforting in a strange way, it was also suffocating. 

James had been enjoying college. Part of him wished that he could stay in a situation like that forever. Sure, the academic pressure was pretty intense, but it was a predictable kind of stress. And it had been fairly easy to make friends - he was pretty sure it wasn’t this easy in Adult Life™ - and he was lucky enough to have found someone he loved and who loved him enough to accept him as he was. 

He had gone home for his older sister’s wedding, one of the few events he was willing to skip class for. It had been a nice ceremony, but James was looking forward to going back the day after tomorrow. Why he had agreed to spend tomorrow with his parents was slightly beyond him, but he supposed it wouldn’t hurt that much.

He wasn’t too concerned by the fact that he hadn’t received any texts from Thomas that night; he knew there was a big debate and there would probably be a party afterwards. After dinner and sufficient socializing, he excused himself to his bedroom, where he laid on his bed and stared at the glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling. Sleep came easily.

In his dream, James’s phone was ringing and he was trying desperately to shut it off. At some point, he managed to wake up. He realized that his phone was actually ringing, so he answered it. 

“Hello?” He spoke softly into his phone. He glanced at the clock, which told him it was around 2am. 

“James? It’s Hercules Mulligan.”

“Hercules Mulligan? Do I even know you?” 

“Maybe. I’m Alex Hamilton’s boyfriend. One of them.”

“What do you want? It’s 2am,” James said in one tired exhalation. He had half a mind to hang up and try to go back to sleep.

“It’s Thomas. He’s in the hospital.”

“What?” James found that all of his exhaustion left immediately. His heart was racing as he tried to imagine what Hercules would say next. “What’s going on? Is he going to be okay?”

“There was a debate party, some shit got outta hand. He’s… mostly okay. He’s got a bad gash on his forehead and they took him to stitch it up. He’s got some other injuries, too. He kept asking for you the whole way over here. I don’t know. If you can come back, he probably could use the support, y’know?”

“Let him know I’m on my way. Are you there with him?”

“Yeah, all four of us brought him.”

“Would you mind staying with him until I get there?”

“That’s the plan.”

“Great. Thank you so much. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

He hung up, packed his things, left a hasty note on the kitchen table, and drove off. He was so anxious that he hardly registered any part of the drive. 

-  
Around 15 hours later, James was aware that his body was being pushed to its limits, but for Thomas’s sake he had to stay healthy. In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to have gotten piss drunk after a 10 hour drive which had been fueled by the relentless anxiety of knowing that his boyfriend was in the hospital. His parents had called about 8 times during the Star Wars marathon, and he knew he’d have to call them back eventually. Before he did that, he’d have to really work on his lie, though. Thomas had a way with words where he could tell a lie without technically saying anything untrue. James had never quite cultivated that talent. 

The West Wing had been a good distraction. Thomas had seemed comfortable, wrapped up in one of Hercules’s blankets and leaning against James. He was probably hung over - they all were - but he had been able to eat some pancakes, so James guessed that this was a nauseous type of hangover. 

He watched Thomas argue with Peggy over who got to ride shotgun, and he let his mind drift off, remembering Angelica’s words from the night before. ‘You’re doing good,’ she had said. James wasn’t so sure. His mind jumped backwards to when he found his boyfriend in the shower earlier, small scenes playing mutely in his mind’s eye. The blood, the cold water, the bandages under the sink that were suddenly buried under a mountain of things James could have sworn he hadn’t used in a coon’s age. Then there was his memory of Thomas, stunned and silent as James tried to stop the bleeding. He blinked several times and tried to force himself into the present.

He gave directions to Angelica, but his mind was still distant. When they got up to his apartment, he absently watched Thomas shake the rainwater out of his hair. If he hadn’t knocked on the door, what would have happened? What would have happened if he hadn’t been able to make it back? He could feel his body protesting against the anxiety that was steadily depleting his energy. 

“Like the view?” Thomas’s drawl brought James back to the moment. It was good to hear that trademark smugness, even if briefly. James moved over towards his boyfriend and embraced him, feeling his muscles tighten briefly before relaxing. 

“I don’t know what I would do without you,” James found it difficult to get the words out, as if he had never realized them before. Sure, his boyfriend was an insufferable asshole. But when you got down to it, who wasn’t? James knew that he and Alex had fallen out because they were both being stubborn and ridiculous, so James felt he wasn’t one to cast the first stone in that matter. 

After talking Thomas down from his nightmare, James somehow managed to fall into a deep sleep. He felt a little guilty for leaving him with all those terrible thoughts and painful memories, but at the same time he knew his body couldn’t take another sleepless night. When he woke up, Thomas was already in class.

James seriously considered skipping his own classes and just sleeping. He knew he probably should sleep, but at the same time, he had missed so many classes already that he had been forced to meet with his professors and explain his medical condition. He groggily turned on the coffee maker and reached for his mug (he and Thomas had those ridiculous couples mugs that were shaped like 2 hearts that fit together - they had bought them as a joke before they even began dating). Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, startling James slightly. He set down his mug and opened the door.

“Hey James,” Angelica said somewhat casually. Her shoulders were hunched forward supporting most of Thomas’s weight. He was definitely conscious - he lifted his head slightly from where it had been buried in Angelica’s hair - but not by a large margin. Angelica removed his arm from around her shoulder and dropped him unceremoniously on the couch. 

“What happened?” James asked, afraid of the answer. He stared at Thomas’s face, trying to decipher whether he was okay. The older student had dark bags under his eyes and he looked more pale than usual. 

Passed out in an elevator, James repeated the answer in his head. How does that even happen? His mind instantly painted a picture of what that would have looked like. He knew Thomas felt embarrassed, but that thought was on the lowest rung of his priorities right now. He would have expected Hamilton of all people to collapse in a random corner from exhaustion. Not Thomas. Not his Thomas, who was looking up at him with tired eyes and who was always hyper aware of what others might think of him. 

Angelica had prescribed sleep for Thomas and outsourcing watch duty for James, who felt bad at how relieved he was that he wasn’t going to have to stay home all day. In fact, as soon as Angelica left, he wanted to drug Thomas and force him to sleep (in the back of his mind he heard Alex laughing at the word Force). It wasn’t that James was frustrated or upset; the situation was just too intense and he just needed to step away from it for a few hours. 

Thomas fell asleep and Laurens showed up (with Hamilton at his heels for some reason) and James wanted to hug the both of them. He instead thanked them solemnly and went to class. He called his parents on the way. Normally, his father’s interrogations would have bothered him, but it seemed as if he had reached the threshold of upsetting events, and the words barely registered in his mind. 

-  
When he called the therapist, she had talked to him about support systems and why they were important. She told him that everyone responds differently to trauma and that he’d have to be patient in figuring out how Thomas would respond. She also gave him a list of red flags to watch out for, such as a change in appetite or sleep habits, or withdrawal from relationships or favorite activities. He discreetly took notes in one of his class notebooks. 

That night, he could feel Thomas not sleeping. There wasn’t much he could do, though, so he tried his best to ignore it for now. He really needed to sleep. 

He was beginning to feel that class wasn’t so much of a distraction as a different degree of stress. He really could use a break.

When he got home, he found Thomas and Alex in an improbable tableau: not arguing, but sitting together watching cartoons and having obviously done each other’s hair at some point in the evening. James poured himself a drink and tried to memorize the feeling of peace while it lasted. 

-  
In his dream, he was drowning. He was trying desperately to swim to the surface of the water, but he couldn’t tell which way was up. Every second was excruciating. The blue of the water was gradually being dissipated by a bright sun until his vision was nothing but void whiteness. 

When he finally awoke, he still felt like he was drowning. He sat up, coughing and trying desperately to breathe. As hard as he tried to bring air into his lungs, he still felt breathless. Panic began to exacerbate the problem. He vaguely registered a warm hand on his back and a familiar voice speaking to him. 

“I can’t breathe,” he managed to whisper. 

-  
Pleural effusion, the doctors had told him. It wasn’t the first time James had had fluid in his lungs, but it wasn’t really a regular occurrence either. He knew they had already drained the fluid (and every breath suddenly felt like a gift) and that he would be held overnight. He wanted to see Thomas. 

He was surprised when a police officer entered his room and started asking questions about his relationship with his boyfriend. 

“Does your boyfriend smoke, Mr. Madison?” she asked in a tone devoid of warmth.

“Not that I know of.”

“Do you?”

“No, never. My lungs aren’t great to begin with. I’d never voluntarily make them worse.”

“Thomas was checked in to this hospital and was found to have multiple burns on his arm, likely from a cigarette. Do you know anything about this?”

“What?” James responded, confused and concerned. “No. Did he… He might have done this to himself, I guess. But I don’t think he smokes?” 

The officer took a few notes, thanked him for his cooperation, and then left. The doctor entered shortly after. 

“Your friend is stable,” the doctor began, “but we can’t let you visit him. He’ll likely be discharged around the same time as you. For now, you should try to rest. Your blood pressure is still on the higher side.”

-  
‘God bless the Schuyler sisters,’ James thought as he saw them stand up in the waiting room. 

He had the same thought as they stepped out of the elevator and into the apartment. It seemed that Alex and his boyfriends all shared the idea that self-care meant tea and movies, and this wasn’t unwelcome by any means. James had been told by the doctor that he had to avoid stress as much as possible in order to prevent his condition from reoccurring. He wasn’t completely sure how he was going to do that, but at least there was a temporary reprieve. The group’s easy banter and shared affection washed over him as he tried to focus on the solid weight leaning against him. 

It was going to be a long road back to normal - in fact, maybe the old normal was a destination to which they could never return - but it seemed they had accidentally fallen into good company on the way there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to reiterate - musical!tj is totally different from irl!tj. I'm not trying to apologize for/redeem any real people here. It's so weird that I'm writing founding fathers fanfic. I kind of wish I could tell this to me from 5 years ago. 5-years-ago-me would be horrified ahaha. 
> 
> Second, I'm not a doctor. I'm not even a doctorb (the b is for bargain). Let's just pretend everything makes sense on that front.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as it turns out this is going to be the penultimate chapter. It went in a slightly different direction than I thought it would go, but my writing usually does that. 
> 
> Again, your wonderful comments have been amazing and encouraging, so thank you! Before I drunkenly uploaded the first 2 chapters of this fic, I had never posted in-progress work before. Part of it was that I didn't want to end up with an abandoned fic, and part of it was that I was afraid the comments might pick apart the many flaws in my writing and storytelling. But that hasn't been the case at all, so thank you for being so nice to me. Really, it makes my day when I see your lovely comments. 
> 
> Okay, enough of my rambling. This chapter includes:  
> \- Minor violence  
> \- Idiots being judgmental and dumb re. polyamorous relationships/ sort of slut shaming I guess?

Thomas felt as though all eyes were on him when he walked into the room for the debate meeting. He had gone over what issues he, as president, had to address from the last competition. It was mostly good news, at least, but the idea of standing up in front of everybody who had been at the party was giving him a headache. If Burr had thought that he had sex with Alex, who knew what everyone else thought? And there was always the terrifying possibility that someone in that crowd knew the truth. 

He rubbed his eyes with two fingers, took a deep breath, and entered the room.

All eyes were on him. 

He forced what he hoped looked like a smile and greeted everyone as he made his way to the front of the room. 

“Good afternoon, everyone,” he began, his southern drawl coming on more strongly than usual. “Congratulations again on our recent victory.” He glanced down at his hastily scribbled notes (which contained not only what he needed to say, but notes on when to pause and when to look up). He had never felt so exposed during an address, although he had made innumerable such addresses. 

He somehow managed to get through everything he had to say, and answer a few questions to boot. Now that logistics were over, they could get on with today’s subject. 

Thomas participated significantly less than usual, offering up his speaking opportunities to less experienced members of the club. He hoped it looked like he was granting them an opportunity to practice, and that no one saw through his unusual behavior. He knew Alex knew, but he could count on his enemy-turned-friend to not betray his secret. 

The time went surprisingly quickly, and before he knew it the structured format of the debate had broken down into casual conversations and socializing. Thomas was gathering his things and getting ready to meet everyone at the bar when he picked up pieces of a hushed conversation. He focused on what was being discussed without looking up.

“Doesn’t he have like 3 boyfriends?” the first voice questioned with a distinct tone of disdain. 

“Yeah, because he’s a slut,” answered a second voice. 

“That’s disgusting. Do you think they all have sex together at once or take turns?” This was a third voice. 

“Gross, I don’t know. I don’t wanna think of Hamilton like that,” the first voice spoke again. 

“3 boyfriends and he still fucked Jefferson?” Thomas felt his ears burn as the third voice whispered his name. 

“I told you, he’s a total slut. I bet he's got like 20 STDs, too,” the second voice said.

“That’s probably true, but it’s not going to get him kicked out of debate,” said the first again, sounding like he was trying to steer the conversation back to its original purpose. “We need something more… substantial. We can accuse him of embezzling funds from our fundraiser. He was in charge of keeping tabs and remember how we thought we made enough but then we really didn’t? He’s the one who handled the money.”

“He probably stole it so he could pay for his VD meds,” the second one said. 

Thomas knew that normally he would have enjoyed the shit out of this conversation. Slandering Hamilton’s name used to be a top-class pastime. But now that he knew the guy and they had set aside their differences (at least partially), he felt enraged by what he was overhearing. Sure, it was maybe unconventional to have 3 partners, but Alex loved them all and they all loved each other. Anyone who spent 5 minutes with them could see this. Their relationship was stronger and more pure than practically all of the monogamous ones that Thomas had seen. 

He quietly adjusted his messenger bag on his shoulder and moved in the direction of the offending conversation. Somehow he wasn’t surprised to find that the three voices belonged to Burr, Lee, and George Eaker. Lee was the one who was plotting to remove Hamilton; Burr was the one who was weirdly interested in STDs, while Eaker seemed to have joined the conversation primarily for the gossip. 

“Gentlemen,” Thomas announced his presence from a respectable distance as he approached them. “How is everything going?”

The three of them tried to hide their disgust as it became clear that Thomas intended to try to talk to them. He knew that his name was caught up in the slander, as well. 

The three mumbled generic replies, obviously made uncomfortable by the ‘speak of the devil and he doth appear’ situation they were currently in. Thomas, however, acted as if he were unaware of the awkwardness… until he punched Lee in the face. 

There were a few shocked gasps and the white noise of other conversations died instantly. Burr and Eaker glanced at each other, stunned, before turning to face Thomas. 

“That’s not what happened and you know it. Neither at the party, nor with our funds,” Thomas said calmly and articulately. He was surprised at how level his voice sounded, considering the chaos happening in his mind at the moment. One, he had just punched Lee. Two, he probably was going to have to resign and likely quit debate. Three, he didn’t really care. Four, he had just defended Alexander Hamilton, his (former) enemy. Five, he was ready to fight the other two as well, if they didn’t back down. 

“Thomas, what the fuck, man?” Alex’s voice cut through the mental fog. Thomas looked away from Lee, whose nose was definitely bleeding now, and turned around to face Alex.

“They were saying --“

Thomas wasn’t able to finish his sentence before Alex had him in a bear hug. It lasted only a moment before Alex bent down and got in Lee’s face.

“I love my boyfriends, Lee. And for the last fucking time. I didn’t steal money from the fundraiser.” Alex punctuated his last sentence with a kick, the toe of his shoe contacting Lee’s stomach. 

Finally, someone had the sense to manhandle Alex and Thomas away from the offending parties in an attempt to prevent further violence. The pair desisted and left the room, heading together towards the bar. 

“Man, John is going to be so jealous,” Alex said as they walked off campus. “I’m pretty sure you broke Lee’s nose! All John’s been able to do was give him a black eye.”

Thomas smiled very slightly. “You know, I’ve never gotten into a fight before.”

“What? How is that possible? I’ve gotten into like a million fights!”

“I don’t know,” Thomas shrugged. “I just like to avoid violence.”

Alex was quiet for a moment. “Then why’d you punch Lee?” he asked finally. 

“Did you hear what he was saying?”

“No, but I know the jist of it. He thinks it’s abominable that I have more than one partner; he thinks I’m the devil; he thinks I steal money to serve my own purposes. Nothing he hasn’t said before.”

“He said that you had sex with me. Burr agreed, even though we told him he was wrong, and insisted that you probably have a ton of STDs. And Eaker wanted to know the details of your sex life. But Lee started it, so I punched him instead of the other two.”

“Why, Thomas, you defended my honor!” Alex said with drawl and a touch of drama to mask his sincere appreciation. 

“Well, I had to defend my own honor, too,” Thomas said, trying to downplay his actions. “They can drag your name through the mud all they want, but for whatever reason they decided to attach mine to yours, and I can’t stand for that.”

They fell into companionable silence for a short distance before Alex spoke up again.

“Thanks.”

“After what you’ve done for me, it was the least I can do.”

-  
Happy hour had just begun when Alex and Thomas got to the bar, and their friends were already comfortably seated at a large table. Angelica waved them over. Thomas slid into the seat next to James, who immediately reached for his hand under the table. Alex glanced at the current arrangement and was disappointed that the remaining spot was at a corner. He didn’t like that option - he wanted to be in the middle - so he moved quickly and sat in Hercules’s lap instead. 

“Man, you’ve got your own spot!” Hercules complained. 

“It’s in the corner,” Alex squirmed a little as he whined. “And besides, I’ve got juicy gossip to share.”

“Do you now?” Peggy inquired, leaning forward in interest. “Go on.”

“Not until Hercules secedes from this spot.”

“Ugh, fine,” Hercules said, placing his hands on Alex’s hips and guiding the smaller one into a standing position. “You’re such a child,” he said, kissing the top of Alex’s head before moving to the corner seat. 

“Okay. You’ll never guess what happened,” Alex began. He was interrupted immediately by the waitress asking if they were ready to order. 

“Hey, Peggy,” John spoke up after the waitress left. “How are your wisdom teeth? Or lack thereof.”

“Much better,” Peggy responded. “It still hurts a little to eat, but at least I’ve got my cuteness back.”

“I don’t think my cheeks swelled up that much when I had them removed,” Angelica commented. 

“They did,” Eliza asserted. “They did and you were so high on the pain meds. Peggy was a little angel by comparison.” Peggy grinned sweetly at the eldest sister. 

“What are you saying? I’m a pleasure.”

“You spent like 3 hours watching the screensaver on your laptop while whispering the words to Immigrant Song and occasionally trying to sing it. Off key.”

“AaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAA,” Peggy and John sang in unison. 

“Well, I don’t remember it,” Angelica said. 

“We do,” Eliza and Peggy replied. 

“Hey, you’re not letting me tell my story!” Alex complained. “I’m glad your feeling better, Peg, but it’s an amazing story. John, you’re gonna be so jealous.”

“What? Why?”

“Thomas,” Alex said calmly. “Would you like to tell it or should I?”

“By all means, go right ahead.” Thomas felt James squeeze his hand under the table and he squeezed back. It felt kind of silly, but it was also pretty comforting. 

“Thomas punched Lee in the face and probably broke his nose.”

“What?!” John exclaimed. “You punched Lee? Aw man, I am jealous! I wish I could have at least seen it! Was there blood?”

“So much blood,” Alex replied. “And before you say it, we know you hate Lee.”

“Can I say it anyway?”

“If it makes you happy.”

“I hate Lee.”

“Why did you punch Lee, Thomas?” Lafayette asked. “I am happy because he deserves it, but I am surprised it was not Alex?”

“Oh, he was just talking shit. Typical Lee stuff,” Thomas responded vaguely. 

“Actually, Lee was trying to make everyone believe that I stole money and that I cheated on you guys. Lies and slander. And our little TJeffs couldn’t tolerate such blatant attacks on my honor, so he punched him. They grow up so fast,” Alex recited the story with a smile and pretended to wipe a tear from his eye. 

“Alex, I’m half a foot taller than you. I’m not little.”

“Alex sometimes calls people little because he’s insecure about being so tiny and adorable,” Hercules tried to sound assuring. Everyone laughed. 

The waitress then reappeared and distributed their drinks. Once everyone had their drink, John stood up and raised his glass. 

“To the nine of us!” 

“Raise a glass!” Hercules and Lafayette said in unison as they all clinked glasses with each other. 

-  
Later that night, after they had all returned to their separate apartments, James sat on the couch and pulled Thomas into his lap. He tucked an errant curl behind Thomas’s ear and lightly kissed his temple. 

“I’m probably going to get kicked off of debate,” Thomas said softly. “But I don’t even really care. It was worth it.”

“I’m weirdly proud of you,” James responded affectionately.

“Weirdly?” Thomas questioned. 

“I never thought you’d punch anyone, much less Lee, and I never thought I’d be happy that you did it. And I never thought I’d say it, but I’m glad we’ve got Hamilton and his crew.”

“Yeah,” Thomas agreed. “Never in a million years would I have guessed it, but it is nice to have them on our side.”

James dragged the back of his hand lightly across Thomas’s stubbly jawline. “It is nice, isn’t it?” He agreed. 

They sat for a few minutes in silence, James’s hands gently exploring Thomas’s face, while the latter leaned in closer and closed his eyes at the ministrations. 

“Jemmy?” He finally said in a quiet voice.

“Yes, my love?”

“I’m exhausted.”

“Let’s sleep, then.”

When Thomas woke up the next morning, he felt well-rested and refreshed. It took him a few minutes to realize he had slept through the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song is stuck in my head now. this is what i get. *googles loop zoop*


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY Y'ALL I DONE MESSED UP
> 
> i think THIS is the penultimate chapter now but who can really say for sure anymore amiright
> 
> No warnings for this chapter

“Yo, Hammie,” Thomas whispered sharply at his target, who was currently in the library hunched over his laptop and surrounded by a mountain range of books. “Hammie,” Thomas repeated, placing his hand on Alex’s shoulder and shaking him out of his bizarre trance. 

“Hm?” Alex glanced up for a millisecond before returning his gaze to his computer. “Dude I’m trying to work. Finals aren’t gonna finish themselves, man.”

“Nuh-uh, your boyfriends - all three of them, mind you - have been texting me relentlessly for the last hour and a half. I have finals too, you know. They’re worried that you’re doing that…thing again,” he waved his hand dismissively. 

“What thing?” Alex mumbled, half-listening and still typing away. 

“The thing where stay at the library until 2am without eating.”

“It’s not 2am,” Alex dismissed him half-heartedly. 

“Um, yes it is, dipshit. Those little numbers at the top of your screen? That’s the time.”

Alex glanced at the time, and it was, in fact, 2 in the morning. He had vaguely registered that it had gotten dark at some point, but he failed to recognize any further indications of the passage of time. As he contemplated this, he belatedly registered the rest of Thomas’s words.

“Hey!” 

“Seriously, man, your boyfriends won’t leave me alone.” As if on cue, Thomas’s phone buzzed. “Well. Looks like Hercules is going to come drag you out of the library himself.”

“What? No,” Alex protested, grabbing Thomas’s phone and reading the last several hours’ worth of messages. 

[00:30] **Hercules** : hey tj ur at the library rite??  
is alex there?  
laf made dinner

[00:30] **Thomas** : i’m at the library but idk where alex is

[00:31] **Hercules** : his phone is off

[00:31] **Thomas** : try emailing him?

[00:32] **Hercules** : good idea  
i knew there was a reason we kept u around  
[00:40] he’s not responding  
i tried messaging him too  
can u find him?

[00:40] **Thomas** : you probably don’t realize this  
bc you’re a fashion major  
but the library is fucking huge  
and also i’m working  
[1:15] jeez ok call off the dogs  
do you at least know what subject he’s working on?

[1:16] **Hercules** : history i think

[1:17] **Thomas** : ok i’ll see what i can do  
[1:35] he’s not in the history section 

[1:36] **Hercules** : check the crevasses 

[1:37] **Thomas** : why does that sound dirty

[1:38] **Hercules** : the corners u walnut

[1:50] **Thomas** : aaand there he is  
1 image attached

[1:51] **Hercules** : i think i slipped a disc just looking @ him  
please tell him to come home  
he hasn’t eaten all day  
i’ll bet money on it

[1:52] **Thomas** : hell no i know for a fact he hasn’t eaten

[1:53] **Hercules** : u should walk home together  
i’m sure lil jemmy is concerned 2 ;)  
but u can come over and eat here  
just be safe it’s like 2am  
[2:01] so???  
[2:07] fuck it i need a break anyway  
i’m coming 2 pick yall knuckleheads up  
yall both need a bodyguard anyway @ this hour

“Damn,” Alex commented. 

“Yeah, and you should see what the other three had to say. If I don’t get an A in Human Rights it’s your fault.”

“What?! I didn’t text you! Blame them!” 

“Alexander, I love you buddy, but a newborn baby could take better care of itself than you. Do the words self-preservation mean nothing to you?”

“You’re one to talk, Mr. Eats-Nothing-But-Mac-n-Cheese.” 

Thomas gasped and placed a hand over his heart. “How dare you insult the king of foods!” 

“Okay, break it up,” Hercules’s voice ended their light-hearted play-fight. “Come on. You’re both coming home. Jesus, Alex, you’ve got the entire library on that desk. Come on. We’re going.” 

Hercules had to physically remove Alex from the desk by grabbing the back of his shirt and hauling him upwards. Alex collected his things while Thomas and Hercules put the books on the return cart. 

“Stick together,” Hercules said as they stepped outside the library and began walking. Alex seemed to be accustomed to the protective, quasi-motherly tone in his voice, but it caught Thomas by surprise. Alex was small and always ready to fight, and he had no brain-to-mouth filter. It was natural to be concerned about him walking home in the middle of the night, or at any time of the day for that matter. Thomas, on the other hand, was tall and muscular, and had never thought of himself as needing protection. There it was, though. Hercules had shown up as the One-Man-Alex-and-Thomas-Protection-Unit. It was nice to know that he cared, even if Thomas felt like he was being herded back to the apartment.

When they opened the door, they immediately saw that Lafayette and Laurens had fallen asleep on top of each other on the couch. 

“See what you did, Alex?” Hercules reprimanded. “They were so worried that you were out late and that you didn’t eat today that they tried to stay up waiting for you.”

“How --“

“Did you eat today?”

Alex was, for once in his life, quiet. He glanced down at the floor in a silent admission of guilt. 

“See? Now, you’re going to eat and then sleep. Thomas, at least tell me you had the common sense to eat today,” Hercules said as he set about heating whatever Lafayette had made. 

“Um… I had breakfast this morning.”

“Seriously? What was breakfast?”

“Macaroni and cheese…” Thomas said, dropping his gaze. 

“God, the two of you. Has anyone ever told you how similar you idiots are?”

“It’s been mentioned,” Thomas said. 

After the two of them ate, Hercules began trying to usher Lafayette and Laurens into the bedroom. 

“I texted James,” he said as the pair shuffled groggily towards the bedroom. “He’s still up so he’s going to come over and walk you home. He’s not going to eat here because unlike some people, he actually has the common sense to feed himself occasionally.”

“Sorry, Mom,” Alex said a little cheekily. Hercules sighed and told him to brush his teeth and go to bed. 

“Hey,” Hercules said softly once Alex had left the room. “How’s everything going? I feel like we see each other all the time but I never get to ask you.”

“It’s… improving,” Thomas replied honestly. “Sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed. I still feel kind of thrown off. But the balance is starting to shift. At first, it was mostly bad days and occasional mediocre days. Even though it’s finals week, I’d say it’s like 60/40 for good and bad days.”

“That’s more good than bad.”

“Yeah,” Thomas drawled sleepily, starting to feel exhaustion creeping in. “It’s more good than bad now.”

“I’m happy to hear that, man,” Hercules patted him on the shoulder a little too hard. 

James didn’t knock; he just let himself in. If there was any testament to how readily the group had welcomed them into their lives, this was it. 

“Did you know he hasn’t eaten since this morning?” Hercules asked immediately. A look of concern crossed James’s face briefly. 

“I did not.”

“These idiots, am I right?” 

James gave Hercules a knowing and long-suffering look before turning to his boyfriend. 

“Ready?”

The walk home was uneventful and as soon as they got inside the apartment they silently changed into pajamas. As they settled into bed, James lifted his arm, allowing Thomas to fit next to him. Thomas buried his nose in James’s neck and sighed in exhaustion. 

“Hey babe?”

“Hmm?”

“Did you not eat today because you weren’t hungry or because you forgot to eat.”

“I forgot,” Thomas said without moving. James kissed the top of his head. 

“Just checking.”

“Thanks, Jemmy.”

“You know, as much as I hate that nickname, I like that you call me by it so often now,” James mused aloud. 

“It’s cause I realized how precious you are. Like a gem,” Thomas pulled his head back so that he could make eye contact and wink lasciviously. James hit him lightly across the back of the head.

“That was terrible.”

Thomas let his head drop back down onto James’s chest. “You liked it,” he mumbled. 

“A little.”

-  
Finals week was a stressful blur, and it were over almost as suddenly as it had arrived. Angelica was the last to finish, and as soon as she was done she found herself at the quartet’s place, where the other eight were waiting for her. A glass of wine was pushed into her hand seemingly out of nowhere and she immediately felt herself unwinding. She draped herself over the arm of the chair Peggy was occupying and tuned into the discussion that was going on. 

“It’s called amorphophallus titanum,” John said with a weird amount of affection in his voice. “It’s supposed to bloom tomorrow and it only blooms for like 36 hours and I think we should go see it!”

“You’re so adorable when you get worked up about nature,” Alex commented, twirling a strand of John’s hair around his finger. 

“Yeah, John, how come you’re poli sci? You should totally do botany or something,” Eliza commented. 

“He could be an artist if he desired,” Lafayette interjected. “Although he only draws the ugliest of turtles.”

“Hey, soft shelled turtles are beautiful in their own way,” John replied defensively. 

“His head looks like a penis which was run over by a truck,” Lafayette said flatly. Peggy snorted. “Seriously!”

“Okay, but leaving soft shelled turtles outta this,” John said, trying to take control of the conversation. “We should go to the garden tomorrow.”

“Wait,” Hercules spoke up. “What was the name of it again?”

“Amorphophallus titanum.”

“Amorphophallus?”

“Yep.”

“You want to take us to see a big, deformed penis plant?” 

“It’s rare! It’s the first time one has bloomed in New York!”

“John I am concerned about your obsession with dick-shaped flora and fauna,” Lafayette teased, reaching a hand over and patting John’s knee. “Why do you love it so?”

“Probably because it reminds me of you,” John said sweetly, batting his eyelashes at the Frenchman. 

“You guys are unreal,” Angelica commented. “But seriously, what makes the dick flower so special?”

“It’s a corpse flower,” Thomas informed her. “It supposedly smells like a combination of rotting fish, moldy cheese, and Alexander’s feet.”

“Hey! My feet smell good!”

“The jury’s still out on that one, I’m afraid.”

“John, smell my feet!” Alex toed off one of his shoes and waved his socked foot in the general vicinity of John’s face. 

“Ew, Alex, gross! I have to agree with TJeffs, man. Your feet are nasty.”

“Well,” Alex said, sitting up properly again. “If my feet smell so bad, why do you want to go see a flower that smells even worse?”

“Because I love you and everything that reminds me of you, from your brilliant mind to your disgusting feet,” John replied in a tone that toed the line between sarcastic and sincere. 

“Okay, you two, get a room!” Angelica complained light-heartedly. 

“So can we go?” John asked, his expression eager and innocent.

“Of course,” Eliza decided for everyone. “We would love to go.”

The evening passed too quickly as everyone basked in the relief of being finished with an especially rough semester. The sun had long since set and the mood of celebratory unwinding had shifted to sleepy contentment. The sisters got up to leave. As per custom, they offered to drive Thomas and James as well. 

“Actually,” James said. “It might be nice to walk. The weather’s finally warm enough. What do you think, Thomas?”

“I think I’d like that.”

“Okay, boys,” Angelica said. “We’ll see you tomorrow for our smelly dick plant adventure.” 

-  
“Thank fuck the semester’s finally over,” Thomas said as they stepped into the warm evening air. 

“Seconded.” 

They walked in silence for a short time before James spoke again.

“Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something,” he began. 

“You’re making me nervous.”

“You know how I usually go home for the summer?”

“… yeah?”

“Well, since I got that internship, I don’t have to go for the full summer. But my parents are still insisting that I come home before it starts up. They already booked a flight for the day after tomorrow. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. Honestly, I was trying to get out of it all together,” James looked down before trying to assess Thomas’s reaction. 

“How… how long will you be gone?” He sounded insecure and a little nervous. 

“One week.”

“That’s a lot,” Thomas said, swallowing hard. “But okay. You do what you gotta do.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

They arrived at their building and made their way up to the apartment before finishing the conversation. 

“Are you sure you’re okay with me leaving?” James asked once they had gotten comfortable on the couch. He was sitting with his legs outstretched, resting on the coffee table. Thomas was next to him, facing sideways with his legs bent across James’s lap. 

“I mean, I don’t like it. But I’ll be fine.”

“I’m just worried,” James admitted. “You haven’t really been alone all semester.” Thomas knew what he really meant, but James was too nice to say it directly. 

“I know. I’ve been doing better, though. I went down by another ranking in therapy this week. I’m only moderately depressed now.” 

“You know how proud I am of you, right?” James said, leaning down and kissing Thomas’s knee. “I just don’t want you to have to struggle alone.”

“Are you worried that I might hurt myself if I have a bad day?”

“Honestly, a little.”

“Yeah. I would be, too,” Thomas admitted. “I mean, I’m normally fine, but without you there it might be different.”

“Do you want to stay with somebody? Maybe the Schuyler sisters?”

“I don’t really want to impose.”

“I’m sure they’d be happy to have you.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Let’s table this discussion for now,” James decided. “Sleep on it. We’ll have fun tomorrow. Then you can decide.”

“I still can’t believe Laurens wants to see the corpse flower.”

“I don’t know. It could be interesting.”

“They’re going to hand out barf bags. Not sure that’s my definition of interesting.”

James laughed fondly. “Maybe not, but it’ll be fun to hang out with everyone without the stress of school.” He glanced down only to find that Thomas had fallen asleep in his lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've seen and drawn the corpse flower it is AMAZING. a very cool flower. not as nauseatingly putrid as i had expected. 10/10


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's here. Hopefully this uploads. I've been trying for quite some time.
> 
> Anyway. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who commented and left kudos. You're the reason I was able to finish this. I'm good at starting things but not so good at finishing, but I always felt encouraged by the nice things y'all had to say! 
> 
> See you on the other side (i.e., the end comments).

“I know it’s only a week, but I’m going to miss you so much, Jemmy.”

They were laying in bed together after a fun day with the gang, relaxing and enjoying the evening. Thomas had rested his head against James’s chest and James was lazily combing his fingers through Thomas’s hair. 

“I know, baby. I’m going to miss you, too. At least it’s not for the whole summer.”

“Remind me why you have to go again.”

“My parents expect me to go home. They were so pissed when I told them the upstairs neighbor’s bathtub fell into my living room.”

Thomas couldn’t help but laugh. “Is your life a fucking sitcom? I can’t believe you told them that!”

“We can’t all be blessed with your ungodly ability to lie, Thomas. What was I supposed to tell them?”

“Anything but that, Jemmy. Anything but that. Hell, you could have even just said your friend was in an accident and they probably wouldn’t have been able to get pissed.”

“Anyway, they found out my sister was already pregnant and they were too busy being pissed at her for having sex before marriage.”

“Damn, your parents really are conservative.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s going to be so lonely without you,” Thomas whined.

“You’ll have the gang. Hang out with them.”

“It’s not the same. Unless you want me to cheat on you with Alex. Is that why you’re leaving? So I can cheat on you?”

“Alex would never cheat.”

“No, but what if I meet some random guy who comforts me in my distress? Is that what you want?”

“No one would have you.”

“Ouch. James, you wound me. I’ll have you know I’m very --”

“No one would have you because I’m going to leave you covered in hickies, you ass,” James clarified quickly before pushing Thomas off of him and getting to work. Thomas moaned as James moved gradually from his neck to his collarbone, making sure to leave multiple bruises (and a few bite marks) along the way. 

“James,” he whispered.

James immediately stopped and made eye contact. 

“Is everything okay?” He asked, trying to assess Thomas’s reaction. “Should I stop?”

“No! Don’t stop. It’s good,” Thomas reassured him. James resumed what he had been doing, though he briefly looked up and mentioned that in the future they should pick a safeword. 

“You’re to good for me,” Thomas commented.

“That’s not true,” James said between kisses. 

They eventually fell asleep together. Even though they hadn’t had sex since everything happened, their relationship had grown stronger and more caring from both sides. As the semester had progressed, Thomas’s nightmares were becoming less and less frequent. Therapy was helping. So was having a group of friends. He still acted like a dick sometimes, but he was starting to become aware of it. It had taken oceans of patience on everyone’s part, and a lot of work to break the knee-jerk reactions to certain topics of debate. There was a long way to go, but they had already come far. Still, James was worried about what could happen while he was away. 

Eliza drove them both to the airport the next morning. James rode shotgun while Thomas sat behind him, reaching his arms around the seat and touching James’s face. It was disgusting, but kind of adorable. 

Eliza and Thomas saw James off, with Thomas moving to the passenger’s side and watching wistfully out the window. As James disappeared into the airport, Eliza put her hand on Thomas’s shoulder.

“So what do you want to do today?”

-  
Thomas sort of managed to stay on his own the first night. He didn’t sleep much, though, since there was no one to calm him down after he had a nightmare. He texted James. 

[05:10] **Thomas** : u up?

[05:11] **James** : Yeah, everything ok?

[05:11] **Thomas** : why are you awake?

[05:12] **James** : I got up like 15 min ago and couldn’t fall back asleep. You?

[05:13] **Thomas** : same…

[05:13] **James** : You ok??

[05:14] **Thomas** : i guess…  
i had a nightmare  
ur not here  
im really tired but i cant fall back asleep  
everything’s awful  
come home

[05:16] **James** : I can call you but I have to be quiet

[05:16] **Thomas** : please?

The phone buzzed a few seconds later. 

“Do you want to tell me what you dreamed?” James asked immediately, his voice a whisper.

Thomas sighed heavily. “It was… I was with the guys. There was something they were trying to show me online and I knew you would love it. So I took Alex’s phone and tried to email you the link, but then one of them told me you were dead. And I knew. I just knew that as much as I wanted to be with you, share everything with you, that you weren’t coming back. There was no way for me to reach you. It felt so real, James.” He paused for a moment, registering without surprise the fact that he was crying. “Help,” he whispered.

“Oh, babe. That sounds horrible. But it was just a dream. I’m okay. I know it’s the first time we’ve been apart since you got hurt, and I’m really proud of you for being so brave. I wish I could be there lying next to you, holding you, rubbing your back and telling you it’s going to be okay. But Thomas, listen to my voice. I am okay. I am alive. I’m coming home in 6 days. I know it sounds like forever, but I’ll be back soon.”

“Do you promise?” Thomas asked, feeling more than a little ridiculous making James swear that he was coming back.

“I promise,” James replied solemnly. It reminded Thomas of his first impression of the younger student: grave, solitary, wise. Sometimes he forgot how serious James could be. 

Thomas yawned loudly and James chuckled softly.

“Ready to try sleeping again?” James asked affectionately. 

“I guess.”

“I wish I could have brought you home with me,” James said. “You’d laugh at my bedroom.”

“Would I now?” Thomas said, immediately lightening up.

“I have glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling and a framed picture of a kitten looking into a mirror seeing a lion.”

Thomas’s voice became distant and James could tell that he had set his phone down and was laughing hysterically. Finally after some time, he picked it up again.

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Jemmy.”

“I wish I was,” James said solemnly. 

“Tell me about what else is in your bedroom?”

“Okay…” James looked around for where to begin. “The walls are dark blue. I have a bookshelf on the wall opposite the cat-lion poster. There’s --“

“What’s on the bookshelf?” Thomas interrupted. 

“Um…” James got up to read the titles of books he hadn’t even thought of for years. “Religious books, mostly. A few versions of the Bible. Some Christian self-help kind of books for teenagers. Oh, wait!” 

Thomas listened intently as he heard vague shuffling from the other line. 

“Here! When I was like, 15 or 16, my school had a mental health expo and they had a whole booth for LGBTQ* kids. They gave me this little book and I hid it inside of a Bible that I cut a hole into.” Thomas could hear James flipping through the pages. “It’s annotated.”

“By you?”

“Yes. I used to read it whenever reading the Bible made me feel worse about myself. I marked up the things that were most relevant. I remember at the expo I talked to the people at the booth and told them I was concerned about my friend who thought he might be gay,” James laughed quietly. “It must have been so obvious I was asking about myself.”

“A lot of kids probably did that,” Thomas replied gently, not sure exactly what to say. 

“It took me so long to accept that I could be happy being myself,” James admitted. “I thought that being gay meant I was going to hell and destined to live a life of emptiness and suffering.”

“I wish I had known you back then,” Thomas said. “I wish someone could have been there to hold your hand through it and tell you it was okay.”

“Sometimes I think that, too,” James agreed. “But if I had known you back then, I probably would have hated you as much as I hated myself.”

They were silent for a few moments until Thomas spoke up again.

“What else is in your bedroom?”

James smiled and set down the book. He rummaged through the desk drawers for a minute before coming up with something. “My college acceptance letter,” he said. 

“Has it really been three years?”

“Amazing how much can change, right?” James yawned as he slid the letter back into the drawer. “Oh!” he said, waking up slightly. “Hey, my old sketchbook!”

“I never knew you could draw.”

“I couldn’t. It was one of those things that I wanted to be able to do, but I didn’t have much of an aptitude for practicing.”

“What did you try to draw?”

“Mostly animals. I think this was supposed to be a weasel? It’s bad.”

“Show me.”

“Ugh. Hold on,” James tried to get a decent angle on the sketchbook so that the lines could be seen under the dim light. “Okay there,” he said once he had sent it.

“Fuuuuuuck, Jemmy,” Thomas laughed. “You’re so precious but this looks like a flattened dolphin. What’s coming out of its mouth?”

“Its tongue.”

“Jemmy, I’m crying.”

“Happy to help,” James said fondly. 

“I don’t want to hang up,” Thomas said after his laughter died down. 

“Me neither, babe, but the sun’s coming up. Maybe you can get some coffee and see what everyone else is doing. If you want, I can call you before I go to bed.”

“I’d like that.”

“It’s a date, then.”

They spoke for a few more minutes before reluctantly hanging up and beginning their days.  
-

Talking every night made the 6 days go by relatively more quickly, and soon enough Thomas found himself standing outside the car at the airport, looking for James while Peggy sat behind the wheel. Angelica and Eliza stayed back because they wanted to give James a surprise welcome home party. When the idea had come up the day before yesterday, nobody had commented that it was a weird thing to do for such a short absence; they knew it had been as stressful as it was short. 

Peggy reached for her coffee when suddenly Thomas opened the passenger side door and stood on the edge of the car, making himself a few inches taller than he already was. He raised his hands to his mouth and shouted “Jemmy!” before frantically waving his arm up and down. 

The two kissed briefly before James climbed in and Peggy drove off. 

“How was Virginia, James?” she asked.

“It was okay, I guess,” he responded mildly. “It’s always kind of hard to be around my parents for extended periods of time.”

“I know the feeling,” she said cynically. “So, we’re gonna stop by the Fantastic Four first and then I can drop you guys home whenever. Sound good, James?”

“The Fantastic Four?”

“I still can’t believe Lafayette got that to stick,” Thomas mused. 

“I was gone for a week!”

“Yeah, and you missed out! Things are changing around here!” Peggy said joyously. 

“Okay…. What else changed?”

“Angelica got a haircut,” Thomas said before Peggy recapped the biggest highlight of the week. 

“Alex almost lost a finger!” 

“Somehow that doesn’t surprise me, but how?”

“He was provoking the seagulls that hang out in the Target parking lot,” Thomas explained. “He was waving a soft pretzel at them. He had to go to the hospital. He got like 5 stitches.”

“That is the stupidest injury I have ever heard about, I’ve gotta say,” James commented, mildly impressed. 

As they got out of the car and walked towards the familiar apartment, James reached over for Thomas’s hand. Peggy smiled to herself as she opened the door and waltzed inside. 

“Welcome home!” their friends exclaimed in an excited chorus. Alex and Lafayette blew into party horns, and yes, Alex’s hand was still bandaged up. 

“Here, look,” Angelica grabbed James’s free hand and dragged him (and consequently, Thomas as well) into the kitchen. “Eliza and I made kaja! It took a few attempts to get it right, but eat one!”

With the hand that wasn’t holding James’s, she removed a sheet of tin foil from a large baking sheet to reveal the sugary fried sweets made from layers of dough. Then, still holding his hand, she pushed the sweet towards his face, letting him take a bite before finally releasing his hand. 

“Holy fuck,” he said with his mouth full. Angelica beamed with pride and looked over at Eliza, who smiled back at her. Thomas reached over and grabbed one for himself, making similar remarks as soon as he tasted it. 

“What did you use in these?” Thomas asked.

“It’s dough, clarified butter, sugar, and cardamom,” Eliza explained, still smiling at the reaction the two were having. 

“No, you’re doing it wrong!” Lafayette protested. He weaved himself between the sisters and stood upright in front of the tray, displaying it with an elaborate gesture. In a heavily accented voice, he mimicked the chefs he had seen on Food Network: “What I have for you here is home-made ghee-fried phyllo dough pastries shaped into delicate roses and coated in a sugar-cardamom syrup.” 

“They’re delicious,” James remarked. 

“We wanted to try something different,” Eliza said modestly. 

“They never do this for us,” Alex pouted. Then, turning to James he added “I don’t know what you did to get them to like you so much.” 

“Well, for one thing, he DIDN’T force anyone to drive him to the hospital because he pissed off the Target birds,” Angelica said pointedly. 

“Hey, I didn’t… force… anybody!” Alex protested, nudging John with his elbow. John sighed and rolled his eyes. 

“You were crying,” he said bluntly.

“Was not!”

“Were too!”

“Okay kids,” Eliza interrupted. “Now that we’ve welcomed James back, why don’t we go outside? It’s a beautiful summer day!”

“Can we go to the park?” Alex asked.

“Are you going to taunt the wildlife?”

“… no.”

“Then yes.”  
-

It really was a beautiful day, with the sun shining but not scorching. Now that James was back, Thomas felt like idyllic was the word to describe the day. The green grass reflected the golden sunlight, and there were people moving around enjoying the summer in a relaxed manner. 

At some point, it was decided that they should have a piggy back race across the park. Hercules called dibs on carrying Peggy, since she was the smallest, and Lafayette quickly caught on and grabbed Eliza. Angelica wanted to be the ref, so she stayed out of the rush. James would naturally carry Thomas, and John and Alex argued over who was the heavier of the two of them. 

“No, Alex, you should carry me! You’re… puffier.”

“Did you just call me fat?”

“No! You’re puffy! Angelica, isn’t he puffy?”

“Hey,” Alex interrupted before she could answer. “Not everyone can have a six pack just because you have one. And Thomas over there has one.”

“And Peggy!” Peggy exclaimed, lifting the hem of her shirt and revealing her toned abs. 

“Uuugh,” Alex groaned. “Fine, hop on,” he bent forward and let John climb on his back. 

When they were all ready, Angelica yelled go and they ran. The primary competition was between Hercules and Lafayette, but Lafayette won by a solid lead.

“It’s just because you have longer legs,” Hercules said as the girls climbed down. Peggy playfully punched his shoulder.

“Nah, it’s cause you’re slow as fuck! I can’t believe we lost!”

“I used to run track,” Lafayette admitted.

James and Thomas crossed the arbitrary finishing mark next, with James walking slowly but steadily. Thomas slid off his back gracefully before turning around and laughing at the scene behind them.

Alex and John sitting about four feet from the starting line, having obviously fallen down. John was pulling strands of grass out of the ground and putting them in Alex’s hair, while Alex was periodically planting light kisses on John’s cheek. 

“Alex took about three steps before collapsing,” Angelica explained as she approached the group. She pulled out her phone. “I took a video.”

“Oh, you know what we should do?” Peggy suggested after they watched the video thrice. “Cocktails on the roof!”

“I like the way you think,” Hercules complimented. 

“Cocktails on the roof! Cocktails on the roof!” the two chanted in unison. 

It seemed as though Alex and John suddenly appeared, although they probably had been standing behind them watching the video of themselves falling in the grass. 

“Did I hear cocktails on the roof?” John asked. 

“It is a good day for it,” Thomas agreed. 

“Mother may we?” Peggy asked sarcastically. Angelica and Eliza exchanged glances. 

“I’ll be the party mom this time,” Alex volunteered. Everyone got quiet for a second before bursting into laughter. 

“Alex, no,” Angelica said, still laughing. 

“Why not? You guys should get to have fun, too!”

“Alex, you’re very sweet,” Eliza began. “But of the nine of us, you’re the only one who thought it was a good idea to fight a bird. And how did that turn out for you?” She lightly grabbed his wrist and held up his hand. 

“Fine,” he huffed. 

“Hey,” John said, slinging an arm around his shoulders. “If you don’t want to drink, nobody’s going to force you to!” He raised his eyebrows a few times to make his point.

“You’re an ass,” Alex smiled, pushing him away. “Fine, who’s party mom?” 

“No one is allowed to have more than one or two. That’s the golden rule of cocktails on the roof, okay? If you want more, you go back to the apartment and stay there.” Angelica warned. 

“Safety first,” Eliza agreed.  
-

By the time they got back to the apartment and made cocktails, the sun was sinking lower on the horizon. The warm breeze was comfortable and welcome. As they settled on the roof, some sitting on the floor and some standing and looking out, the hustle-bustle of the city seemed like it was miles away. After an especially horrendous semester, it felt like returning to the land of the living after having been dead for so long. Thomas glanced over at everyone and watched them thoughtfully. He jumped a little when James suddenly put his hand on the back of his neck, massaging it lightly. He looked down at James and smiled, raising his drink slightly. They clinked their glasses to an unspoken toast, both knowing exactly what the other would have said anyway. 

Peggy, who had run back down to the apartment, returned with some speakers and her phone. It was only a few seconds before gentle piano chords hit their ears and bittersweet lyrics floated through the air, completely appropriate for the situation. 

_For every road we can’t retrace_  
_For every memory we can’t face_  
_For every name that’s been erased_  
_Let’s have another round_

“I love this song,” Thomas commented softly to Peggy. 

“I thought you might,” she smiled, picking up her drink and walking over to her sisters. 

“I didn’t have you pegged as a Regina Spektor fan,” Alex commented, approaching the couple.

“I aim to surprise,” Thomas replied mildly. He paused before adding thoughtfully, “I know I’ve said it before, but thank you, Alex. You were right. I wouldn’t have done the same for you. I wouldn’t have let you so fully into my life.”

Alex shrugged. “Back then you wouldn’t have. But I think you’ve changed.” He raised his glass. “Let’s keep up the good surprises. You’re both stuck with us forever now.”

“I’ll drink to that,” James agreed. 

The sun lazily sauntered towards the horizon as they watched rush hour wind down below them. The worst of the storm was over, and although they were still picking up the debris, everything was beginning to take shape once again. The sun would set eventually, and it would rise in due time. 

‘You’re stuck with us forever,’ Thomas thought, allowing Alex’s voice to echo in his mind. As he watched the Fantastic Four have some kind of heated debate with the Schuyler sisters, he smiled and finished his drink. There were certainly worse fates than this. 

“We need backup!” Alex called as John rushed over to Thomas and James, pulling them into the group. “You gotta dance like $50 depends on it!”

“Wait, why?” Thomas asked.

“Because we made a bet that we could outdance them and Herc is our best dancer but he’s the referee so we need backup!” Alex explained breathlessly as he grabbed James. “Start the music!” he directed to Hercules. 

Immediately, a horn let out a shriek that dissipated into an up-tempo beat. Thomas raised his eyebrows at James, who was currently being spun around. Alex could actually dance. Thomas had only a moment to be impressed before John, who was significantly less coordinated than Alex, grabbed him and pulled him into the whirlwind. 

Ah well. Here’s to good surprises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Kaja is delicious and everyone should try it if there's an Indian sweet shop near you.  
> 2\. Ron Chernow does actually describe Hammie as getting a little "puffy" at one point (333). (look at me MLA citing end notes.)  
> 3\. The song Peggy plays is "The Party" by Regina Spektor. I did not intend this when I titled the fic. It was a happy accident.  
> 4\. It's been a wild ride. I'm on [tumblr](ineffable4004.tumblr.com).

**Author's Note:**

> message me im'm on tumblr but i'm shy normally but y'all are great i love reading what you post have a WONDERFUL day you're lookin' fab my lovelies


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